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When twin vixens working in a Texas Diner have their freedom threatened by two bandits, they must face the evil lurking in their nightmares or they?ll be enslaved for eternity.
A logline's primary function is to describe a plot, and this is best constructed out of clear detail, not vague statements. You need to clearly describe the inciting incident and goal in order for a plot to come across, or risk a reader's confusion. In your current draft you wrote: "...have their frRead more
A logline’s primary function is to describe a plot, and this is best constructed out of clear detail, not vague statements. You need to clearly describe the inciting incident and goal in order for a plot to come across, or risk a reader’s confusion.
In your current draft you wrote: “…have their freedom threatened…”, I presume this is the inciting incident, but it isn’t clear what actually happened. If they were kidnapped specify it, if they were forced into slavery specify it, whatever it is that happened needs to be clear from the logline.
You also wrote: “…they must face the evil lurking in their nightmares…”, but, as Richiev said, what does that mean in practical terms? What will they actually do? How will they “…face the evil…”? How will this help them?
Lastly, what do they hope to achieve by facing the evil? This is their goal and needs to be made clear in the logline.
See lessAbout to become a father, a former contender turned getaway driver decides to go legit when an Aryan Brotherhood kingpin who once derailed his boxing career threatens to kill his family to force him to do one last heist ? one that comes with the ultimate price.
David, you've posted several versions of this one concept already and have received many good notes from others to help you improve it, but have not implemented them. Seeing as you are obviously passionate about this story, I strongly suggest you read through, and study, the comments already given aRead more
David, you’ve posted several versions of this one concept already and have received many good notes from others to help you improve it, but have not implemented them. Seeing as you are obviously passionate about this story, I strongly suggest you read through, and study, the comments already given as most of them still apply.
The point of this web site is to improve our loglines and concepts. This, sometimes, requires fundamental changes to a story and a ground-up restructuring of a logline, not symbolically adjusting one or two words to form a cosmetic change to the sentence.
Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but at this stage, this is the best advice I can think of to help you improve this concept and logline.
And I certainly hope this helps.
See lessWhen a former contender turned getaway driver finds love and tries to go legit, an Aryan Brotherhood kingpin who once derailed his boxing career threatens the mother of his unborn child to make him do one last job ? one that comes with the ultimate price.
The trouble with the logline attempts you have been posting is that you spend most the logline on back story an not enough word count on what the lead character must do now that he finds himself in this situation. What's the lead characters plan to get himself out of the situation. It doesn't have tRead more
The trouble with the logline attempts you have been posting is that you spend most the logline on back story an not enough word count on what the lead character must do now that he finds himself in this situation.
What’s the lead characters plan to get himself out of the situation. It doesn’t have to work, it could fail but you should tell us what the lead character must do, not just why the lead is in the situation he is in.
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