1. Posted: March 30, 2020In:

    Disbelieving his addicted mother that he is fatherless, a faith-driven basketball star must jeopardize his championship hopes to uncover the heartrending truth about his long-lost dad.

    dpg Singularity

    >>>Betsy removes Mitchell from college as his team struggles to qualify for postseason play How can she legally do that?? He's attending on a basketball scholarship? -- which she has no control over. And the coach and college stand by and do nothing?

    >>>Betsy removes Mitchell from college as his team struggles to qualify for postseason play

    How can she legally do that?? He’s attending on a basketball scholarship? — which she has no control over.

    And the coach and college stand by and do nothing?

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: March 22, 2017In:

    Faced with bankruptcy, a down-on-luck man goes through a spine-chilling experience to get money to pay for his son’s emergency operation.

    Guy Man Logliner

    What's the spine chilling experience that the father must go through? Rob a bank? Participate in a reality show where he's hunted by rich people for sport? Win an underground street fighting competition where he'll have to fight other men to the death? If the description of the plot is vague and absRead more

    What’s the spine chilling experience that the father must go through? Rob a bank? Participate in a reality show where he’s hunted by rich people for sport? Win an underground street fighting competition where he’ll have to fight other men to the death? If the description of the plot is vague and abstract, then it will not stick with the audience.

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: April 28, 2017In:

    When a young woman returns to her family for the burial of her brother, her doubtful past will envenom the reunion and reveal her true intentions.

    Guy Man Logliner

    Give the character a better adjective. Young is value neutral and doesn't tell us much about the character. If she's going to be revealed as some sort of sinister or vengeful person, then using adjectives like naive or idealistic would set up the twist better. Also use an appropriate adjective to chRead more

      1. Give the character a better adjective. Young is value neutral and doesn’t tell us much about the character. If she’s going to be revealed as some sort of sinister or vengeful person, then using adjectives like naive or idealistic would set up the twist better. Also use an appropriate adjective to characterize the family, so we understand what the relationship between the woman and the family is. Like, is the family evil or manipulative, or is it emotionally distant, etc.

    ?

      1. The logline is too mysterious. You should tell us what the girl’s doubtful past and her true intentions are so we know what the exact goal and conflict for the man character is.

        Your logline reminds me of Festen. There, the logline would be:

        A young man attending his father’s 60th birthday along with the rest of his family reveals that he was sexually assaulted by the father for years. Now he must get the father to acknowledge his crime in front of the extended family who have congregated for the celebration.

        Maybe this could be a model for your logline. Character reveal at the end of the first act, and then set up a concrete goal for her.?

    See less
    • 0