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An exiled emperor joins a resistance group to find and restore the throne’s rightful heir – his long-lost son – from his tyrannical brother.
Most of the story points are here, I don't believe the logline needs any significant changes. From a story standpoint: I do wonder why the Emperor is not trying to get his throne back for himself? Instead, the lead is attempting to secure the throne for his "Long-lost son" Normally people in power dRead more
Most of the story points are here, I don’t believe the logline needs any significant changes.
From a story standpoint:
I do wonder why the Emperor is not trying to get his throne back for himself? Instead, the lead is attempting to secure the throne for his “Long-lost son”
Normally people in power do not want to give up power. Wouldn’t the exiled emperor be the rightful ruler? Why secure the throne for a person he seems to not even know?
See lessWhen a village boy is given up for sacrifice to avoid a Giant and a Dragon destroying the village, he must find a way to escape before being cooked into dumplings.
Never start a logline with When. Start with the protagonist, then provide the antagonist, conflict, & stakes. Avoid commas. 25-30 words. So what happens to the village when this kid escapes? Is he concerned about that? Why was he chosen? We know nothing about him. Give him a single adjective toRead more
Never start a logline with When. Start with the protagonist, then provide the antagonist, conflict, & stakes. Avoid commas. 25-30 words.
So what happens to the village when this kid escapes? Is he concerned about that? Why was he chosen? We know nothing about him. Give him a single adjective to help define him.
Who makes the dumplings, the giant or the dragon? This sounds like it’s trying to be cute but it doesn’t make sense in context. We need to understand the basis of the story in a single sentence, without having to ask questions merely to comprehend it.
See lessWhen a young man discovers a magic sword that gives him the power to see the curse that he has due to his sins and that will guide him to the lost city where he will be healed, he will have to deal with the supreme leader of his former city as well as the guilt of past actions.
This is really hard to follow I'm afraid. Fantasy is always difficult because there is always an amount of expositional stuff that is needed. In this case though, I feel like it could be cleaned up a little too. Pet peeve: "young man" - your protagonist deserves better! Imagine if someone close to yRead more
This is really hard to follow I’m afraid. Fantasy is always difficult because there is always an amount of expositional stuff that is needed. In this case though, I feel like it could be cleaned up a little too.
Pet peeve: “young man” – your protagonist deserves better! Imagine if someone close to you was asked to describe you in two words, and all they had to say was “young man” or “young woman”… surely you deserve a little more consideration. Well, so does your hero.
So this “young man” finds a magic sword that just happens to give him the power to see his curse AND show him the way to a lost city where he’ll be healed? The only thing standing in his way is the guy who ran the town that he’s left but I don’t know why. I feel like there needs to be more conflict. It’s too easy! We need to know why the Supreme Leader is after this guy. “Deal with” is incredibly vague too. Loglines thrive on specificity, so tell us, specifically, what the conflict is and why.
“deal with the guilt of past actions” – I’d probably cut this to be honest. You could add “repentant” as his characteristic and that would probably do the trick. What are his past sins though?
My thoughts are that the plot should actually start with the quest for the magic sword that the Supreme Leader is also after. Then there’s immediate conflict from the start and more plot to sustain the 90mins+ runtime. I would consider saying “guide him on a perilous journey” or something to at least suggest there are other threats in this fantasy world.
Thematically and from a plot perspective, why a sword? It’s not stated that any fighting is taking place so I’m wondering why a weapon.
Logline wise, at 59 words it’s too long, even for a Fantasy. I would try and focus on the conflict and the structure of your plot. What needs to happen, when, and who or what is standing in their way (and why in the case of the Supreme Leader). Once you feel you have the bare elements, try framing the logline around them. Focus on the external too. Leave stuff like “as well as the guilt of his past actions” on the cutting room floor because, in terms of what’s happening on screen, it’s meaningless as it’s happening inside the character’s head.
I realise I’ve waffled a bit here so I hope this helps.
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