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When a village boy is given up for sacrifice to avoid a Giant and a Dragon destroying the village, he must find a way to escape before being cooked into dumplings.
Never start a logline with When. Start with the protagonist, then provide the antagonist, conflict, & stakes. Avoid commas. 25-30 words. So what happens to the village when this kid escapes? Is he concerned about that? Why was he chosen? We know nothing about him. Give him a single adjective toRead more
Never start a logline with When. Start with the protagonist, then provide the antagonist, conflict, & stakes. Avoid commas. 25-30 words.
So what happens to the village when this kid escapes? Is he concerned about that? Why was he chosen? We know nothing about him. Give him a single adjective to help define him.
Who makes the dumplings, the giant or the dragon? This sounds like it’s trying to be cute but it doesn’t make sense in context. We need to understand the basis of the story in a single sentence, without having to ask questions merely to comprehend it.
See lessWhen a young man discovers a magic sword that gives him the power to see the curse that he has due to his sins and that will guide him to the lost city where he will be healed, he will have to deal with the supreme leader of his former city as well as the guilt of past actions.
This is really hard to follow I'm afraid. Fantasy is always difficult because there is always an amount of expositional stuff that is needed. In this case though, I feel like it could be cleaned up a little too. Pet peeve: "young man" - your protagonist deserves better! Imagine if someone close to yRead more
This is really hard to follow I’m afraid. Fantasy is always difficult because there is always an amount of expositional stuff that is needed. In this case though, I feel like it could be cleaned up a little too.
Pet peeve: “young man” – your protagonist deserves better! Imagine if someone close to you was asked to describe you in two words, and all they had to say was “young man” or “young woman”… surely you deserve a little more consideration. Well, so does your hero.
So this “young man” finds a magic sword that just happens to give him the power to see his curse AND show him the way to a lost city where he’ll be healed? The only thing standing in his way is the guy who ran the town that he’s left but I don’t know why. I feel like there needs to be more conflict. It’s too easy! We need to know why the Supreme Leader is after this guy. “Deal with” is incredibly vague too. Loglines thrive on specificity, so tell us, specifically, what the conflict is and why.
“deal with the guilt of past actions” – I’d probably cut this to be honest. You could add “repentant” as his characteristic and that would probably do the trick. What are his past sins though?
My thoughts are that the plot should actually start with the quest for the magic sword that the Supreme Leader is also after. Then there’s immediate conflict from the start and more plot to sustain the 90mins+ runtime. I would consider saying “guide him on a perilous journey” or something to at least suggest there are other threats in this fantasy world.
Thematically and from a plot perspective, why a sword? It’s not stated that any fighting is taking place so I’m wondering why a weapon.
Logline wise, at 59 words it’s too long, even for a Fantasy. I would try and focus on the conflict and the structure of your plot. What needs to happen, when, and who or what is standing in their way (and why in the case of the Supreme Leader). Once you feel you have the bare elements, try framing the logline around them. Focus on the external too. Leave stuff like “as well as the guilt of his past actions” on the cutting room floor because, in terms of what’s happening on screen, it’s meaningless as it’s happening inside the character’s head.
I realise I’ve waffled a bit here so I hope this helps.
See lessWhen a magical spirit reveals the world’s destructive fate, an introverted high school girl must flee her privileged upbringing and journey through an impoverished land to find a saviour, which she later learns is actually herself, and confront the powerful government of the city before the world collapses beneath her feet.
The low-hanging fruit given this current iteration of the logline is that you can easily pull out "and journey through an impoverished land to find a saviour, which she later learns is actually herself,". That part is the plot, but doesn't need to be in the logline. So you have the protagonist, theRead more
The low-hanging fruit given this current iteration of the logline is that you can easily pull out “and journey through an impoverished land to find a saviour, which she later learns is actually herself,”. That part is the plot, but doesn’t need to be in the logline.
So you have the protagonist, the high school girl, the goal… to save the world… the conflict… confronting the powerful government. The stakes… end of the world. The urgency… have to do the goal before the world ends….
The inciting incident I think you should change. Learning about the end of the world is a lost opportunity to tie in HOW a high school student ended up in this mess. Maybe have the inciting incident be like when the kids walked into the closet in Narnia. The “how they ended up in never-never land”.
You can trim it down, like for example with my first suggestion, but… all the pieces in the formula are there, which is great. But I think ironing out the hook will be more challenging.
Why do people care about your story? I see this notion of a privileged girl journeying into an impoverished land, which is interesting, but it doesn’t look like she has to overcome that privilege in order to save the world. It’s like when I toured Ward 9 on a bus tour a year after Hurricane Katrina happened. However, Ebenezer Scrooge must learn generosity to save Tiny Tim, for instance. That is a meaningful character arc that is interesting to the reader.
I’m thinking something like this:
When a privileged high school girl is lured by a magical spirit into another world, she must lead the rebellion of its impoverished, enslaved people and overthrow a powerful monarchy before she is allowed to return home.
Okay…it doesn’t have to go all Braveheart…. can keep it non-Bravehearty…
When a privileged high school girl is lured by a magical spirit into another world, she must save an impoverished, enslaved people from a powerful monarchy before she is allowed to return home.
Either way, you don’t need any details of a mountain, or how she tries to save them.
See less