1. Posted: June 8, 2019In:

    When the land is threatened by the curses of emerging night creators, a selfish rogue and his two friends forced to go on a quest to find the girl from prophecy, to save the land.

    Karel Segers Samurai

    Thanks for joining Logline It, Yara! Now for the hard truths... First of all, fantasy is a hard sell unless it is based on an underlying bestselling novel. That said, it is commendable to come up with original stories, whatever genre they are in. About the logline itself: It is important that we undRead more

    Thanks for joining Logline It, Yara!

    Now for the hard truths…

    First of all, fantasy is a hard sell unless it is based on an underlying bestselling novel. That said, it is commendable to come up with original stories, whatever genre they are in.

    About the logline itself:

    It is important that we understand what the elements of the logline mean. To me “the curses of emerging night creators” doesn’t mean much. Be specific.

    I’m not a fan of “forced to”.

    (You probably mean “are forced to”. Make sure you don’t leave grammatical errors in a logline. It is so short that if people find errors here, they will be reluctant to read longer documents written by you, expecting more of the same)

    We use the verb “must” on Logline It, which sounds less like an external force.

    “to find the girl from prophecy”: Another missing word. Should be “from the prophecy”

    This is vague again, because we don’t know who is the girl or what is the prophecy.

    Please put an updated and improved version of the logline here in the comments, and then we can look at it again.

    Happy loglining!

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  2. Posted: June 5, 2019In:

    In a cold country ruled by a hard-hearted king, three close rogues commit to a secret quest to find the girl from the prophecy so she could fulfill her destiny as the second Follower and help put an end to the dread of the emerging NightSouls.

    dpg Singularity

    Concur with mikepedley85 about the problem of using terms for a fantasy world that right now exists only in your mind."Second Follower" -- what is that supposed to mean? I have no idea what the dramatic significance? of such a character.? "NightSouls" -- who are they? and what makes them so bad theyRead more

    Concur with mikepedley85 about the problem of using terms for a fantasy world that right now exists only in your mind.

    “Second Follower” — what is that supposed to mean? I have no idea what the dramatic significance? of such a character.? “NightSouls” — who are they? and what makes them so bad they must be defeated?

    Characters and situations should be introduced in terms that the typical logline reader should already be familiar with.? Save the terms unique to your fantasy world? for exposition in the script.

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  3. Posted: June 3, 2019In:

    In a fabled land, a bounty hunter must find a sacred artifact to resurrect his late lover before the crown?s inquisitor does.

    Best Answer
    dpg Singularity

    Libari,I consider my suggestion "before the crown's inquisitors do" to be dangling out there,? an incomplete sentence for you to finish.? I don't know enough about your story to know why the inquisitor must find it, too.? ?All I know? is it makes for better drama if they both? MUST have the same thiRead more

    Libari,

    I consider my suggestion “before the crown’s inquisitors do” to be dangling out there,? an incomplete sentence for you to finish.? I don’t know enough about your story to know why the inquisitor must find it, too.? ?All I know? is it makes for better drama if they both? MUST have the same thing.

    Either the artifact is a general wish-granting object (like? Aladdin’s lamp) or it is only good for one purpose, to raise the dead.? If it’s the latter, then who would the inquisitor want to resurrect?

    Well, the most obvious candidate would be the king the bounty hunter killed.? So he can wreak revenge on the bounty hunter.?

    Here’s another option: a tickling clock on the power of the artifact.? It can only resurrect the dead within X number of hours or days (not many).

    Both the true love and the king could have been killed around the same time, say in the same battle.? So both the protagonist and antagonist are racing against time to resurrect their preferred person.

    But it seems to me that there would need to be a bigger pay off for the inquisitor than having the king avenge his own death.? What’s in it for inquisitor?? What’s his selfish agenda?? What makes the king’s death a personal offense, not just a legal one?? ?Why did the bounty killer kill the king in the first place?? What did the inquisitor lose by the king’s death?? What does he stand to gain personally by resurrecting him?? What does he stand to gain personally by killing the bounty hunter?

    I’m just spit balling.? My takeaway is that the king’s death in the past (back story) is of dramatic import to the degree it comes back to haunt the protagonist in the present tense of the plot.

    FWIW

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