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Through interference with dimensional aliens, several lost Roman legions is transported to a brutal world of magics, monsters, and hellish creatures and must fight to reshape the world in the name of Caesar and Rome.
I like the original concept of a Roman legion being zapped onto an alien world, however the logline is too jumbled to really convey the idea. One big thing missing from your logline is their goal, is it just survival, conquest, find a way home? When Roman legion is zapped onto an alien world, theirRead more
I like the original concept of a Roman legion being zapped onto an alien world, however the logline is too jumbled to really convey the idea. One big thing missing from your logline is their goal, is it just survival, conquest, find a way home?
When Roman legion is zapped onto an alien world, their commander must fight through a strange world full of monsters and fantastical creatures to reach the portal back to earth.
During the course of his quest, the objective may change. From reaching the portal to help some Pacifist natives in their fight against hostile invaders.
See lessWhen her father falls ill from a poisonous rhinog bite, a desperate daughter rushes to find the only thing that can cure him ? the elusive Lotumid herb.
Couple of additional comments on your comment:The genre is fantasy, but the theme is not. The theme is what the film is really about and is frequently posed as a question to the protagonist. ?It's the film's message to the audience. Check out this video which really helped me understand what a themeRead more
Couple of additional comments on your comment:
The genre is fantasy, but the theme is not. The theme is what the film is really about and is frequently posed as a question to the protagonist. ?It’s the film’s message to the audience. Check out this video which really helped me understand what a theme is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIuKNVny9cM
When her father falls ill from a poisonous animal bite, a passionate and impulsive herbalist only has until sunrise to find a healing herb and concoct a cure before the poison takes his life.
I think your revised version is ok but the reader needs to understand why this is going to be a journey that can sustain a 90min+ runtime. There needs to be some suggestion as to why it?s so difficult to obtain and how it?s going to push the protagonist. As an herbalist, she?s perfectly placed to know what to look for and where? this makes the journey MUCH shorter than, say, a teenager who has no knowledge of herbs at all and has to learn what they are by finding a well-renowned herbalist first. In Jaws, Chief Brody doesn?t know how to kill a shark and he doesn?t even like water. Much bigger journey than Quint?s or Hooper?s but the audience loves an underdog! I appreciate that, as the story?s already written, this might not be what you want to do but this would provide the greater sense of character growth that you?re looking for.
I want more information about the antagonist and/or antagonistic forces at work. What is this character risking to save her father? Conflict is story so give us more conflict.
?Passionate but impulsive? ? the protagonist?s characteristic usually goes some way to show their emotional journey (arc) ? selfish ?> kind, cowardly ?> brave, etc. Impulsive would lead to cautious or forward-thinking? Is this what you had in mind? If not, spend some time thinking about who they are at the beginning, who they are at the end, and what they?ve learnt about themselves.
Just a query about this fantasy world (or more the creatures within it). The Rhinogs are a civilised race who live in a city and grow crops, right? But they?re biters?? This seems a little primitive to me. When you say poisonous animal bite I don?t imagine a civilised society. Could they use poisonous darts? Or a weapon of some kind? Thinking out loud now.
I checked out that link, I like the idea of a micro-verse within our own world. Visually, it could be great! I think it?d be really fun for it to play with elements from our world too ? like A Bug?s Life, or Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.
Hope this helps too.
See lessWhen a pirate, a princess, and an outlander discover that their crystal necklaces have magical powers, the three women go on an adventure that leads to saving the world from darkness.
This is an improvement, but it still suffers from some of the same problems, and new problems as the previous version Logline: "When a pirate, a princess, and an outlander discover that their crystal necklaces have magical powers, the three women go on an adventure that leads to saving the world froRead more
This is an improvement, but it still suffers from some of the same problems, and new problems as the previous version
Logline: “When a pirate, a princess, and an outlander discover that their crystal necklaces have magical powers, the three women go on an adventure that leads to saving the world from darkness.” (31 words)
Inciting incident: “When a pirate, a princess, and an outlander discover that their crystal necklaces have magical powers,” —> This sounds like an inciting incident, but it seems to me it’s more like what I refer to as the ‘Catalyst’. The ‘Catalyst’ is the event before the inciting incident which introduces the protagonist to their new world and the conflict, but it does not force them into it. The discovery of the necklace’s powers doesn’t force them into any conflict. They could choose to do anything. They could rob banks. They could get revenge. They could become supervilllians/heroes. But the inciting incident should be tailor-made for the specific conflict. The specific event is likely when the antagonist(s) attacks at first.
For example, think of Star Wars. The inciting incident may seem like the moment when Luke discovers the message from Princess Leia, but this doesn’t event doesn’t?force?him into the conflict. He just becomes aware of it, and then seeks out Ben Kenobi, making this event part of the Catalyst. The inciting incident comes when Luke, after being urged by Ben Kenobi to learn to use the Force, returns home to find that Stormtroopers have killed his family. It’s at that moment when decides to leave home, he even says it: “I want to come with you to Alderaan. There is nothing here for me now. I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like my father.”(emphasis mine)
So, to break it down:
Inciting incident: Luke’s family killed by Empire. —>?This inciting incident forces Luke into a conflict with the Empire, and only?the Empire.
Goal: Help Rebellion destroy Empire(more specifically, destroy Empire’s Death Star.) —> A specific objective, which is still a part of the conflict with the Empire.
Climax: Rebellion’s battle to destroy Death Star.
Protagonist: “a pirate, a princess, and an outlander ” —> Feedback hasn’t changed from previous version.
Goal: “the three women go on an adventure that leads to saving the world from darkness.” —> This does not describe an objective. A logline should describe? specific objective. Look above at the Star Wars example, and also refer back to previous version.
Antagonist: Unclear. —> The logline implies that there is an antagonist, but it doesn’t not imply who, because “the three women go on an adventure that leads to saving the world from darkness.” does not imply a specific character working against them, because this is a vague statement that is not visually descriptive.
I think Richiev’s version is an improvement, and provides a good framework to use for a revision.
See less