1. Posted: February 23, 2019In:

    “A lightning strike changes the half breed twins path as they search for the truth behind their father’s death. While a vengeful Uncle strives to strip their shaman grandfather of all that he holds dear.”

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai

    I agree with the above.Also, take care of your syntax and grammar. You are a writer; delivering a couple of sentences in good shape is the least you can do. For example:While a vengeful Uncle strives to strip their shaman grandfather of all that he holds dear.A "while" clause needs a main clause. ChRead more

    I agree with the above.

    Also, take care of your syntax and grammar. You are a writer; delivering a couple of sentences in good shape is the least you can do. For example:

    While a vengeful Uncle strives to strip their shaman grandfather of all that he holds dear.

    A “while” clause needs a main clause. Check this out.

    Also:

    half breed twins path

    My (Apple) dictionary declares “half-breed” (with a hyphen) as “offensive.” Also, since we neither know the two races that have come together to create the twins (they could be orcs and elves for all I know), nor the meaning of race in the world of your story, perhaps you should keep it out of the logline.

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  2. Posted: October 12, 2018In:

    Through interference with dimensional aliens, several lost Roman legions is transported to a brutal world of magics, monsters, and hellish creatures and must fight to reshape the world in the name of Caesar and Rome.

    Valentin Samurai

    I like the original concept of a Roman legion being zapped onto an alien world, however the logline is too jumbled to really convey the idea. One big thing missing from your logline is their goal, is it just survival, conquest, find a way home? When Roman legion is zapped onto an alien world, theirRead more

    I like the original concept of a Roman legion being zapped onto an alien world, however the logline is too jumbled to really convey the idea. One big thing missing from your logline is their goal, is it just survival, conquest, find a way home?

    When Roman legion is zapped onto an alien world, their commander must fight through a strange world full of monsters and fantastical creatures to reach the portal back to earth.

    During the course of his quest, the objective may change. From reaching the portal to help some Pacifist natives in their fight against hostile invaders.

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  3. Posted: February 11, 2019In:

    When her father falls ill from a poisonous rhinog bite, a desperate daughter rushes to find the only thing that can cure him ? the elusive Lotumid herb.

    Best Answer
    Mike Pedley Singularity

    Couple of additional comments on your comment:The genre is fantasy, but the theme is not. The theme is what the film is really about and is frequently posed as a question to the protagonist. ?It's the film's message to the audience. Check out this video which really helped me understand what a themeRead more

    Couple of additional comments on your comment:

    The genre is fantasy, but the theme is not. The theme is what the film is really about and is frequently posed as a question to the protagonist. ?It’s the film’s message to the audience. Check out this video which really helped me understand what a theme is https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIuKNVny9cM

    When her father falls ill from a poisonous animal bite, a passionate and impulsive herbalist only has until sunrise to find a healing herb and concoct a cure before the poison takes his life.

    I think your revised version is ok but the reader needs to understand why this is going to be a journey that can sustain a 90min+ runtime. There needs to be some suggestion as to why it?s so difficult to obtain and how it?s going to push the protagonist. As an herbalist, she?s perfectly placed to know what to look for and where? this makes the journey MUCH shorter than, say, a teenager who has no knowledge of herbs at all and has to learn what they are by finding a well-renowned herbalist first. In Jaws, Chief Brody doesn?t know how to kill a shark and he doesn?t even like water. Much bigger journey than Quint?s or Hooper?s but the audience loves an underdog! I appreciate that, as the story?s already written, this might not be what you want to do but this would provide the greater sense of character growth that you?re looking for.

    I want more information about the antagonist and/or antagonistic forces at work. What is this character risking to save her father? Conflict is story so give us more conflict.

    ?Passionate but impulsive? ? the protagonist?s characteristic usually goes some way to show their emotional journey (arc) ? selfish ?> kind, cowardly ?> brave, etc. Impulsive would lead to cautious or forward-thinking? Is this what you had in mind? If not, spend some time thinking about who they are at the beginning, who they are at the end, and what they?ve learnt about themselves.

    Just a query about this fantasy world (or more the creatures within it). The Rhinogs are a civilised race who live in a city and grow crops, right? But they?re biters?? This seems a little primitive to me. When you say poisonous animal bite I don?t imagine a civilised society. Could they use poisonous darts? Or a weapon of some kind? Thinking out loud now.

    I checked out that link, I like the idea of a micro-verse within our own world. Visually, it could be great! I think it?d be really fun for it to play with elements from our world too ? like A Bug?s Life, or Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.

    Hope this helps too.

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