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When his sister goes missing during a murderous rampage in a haunted house, an immature teenager must take on the responsibility of finding her before the killer does, but not all is as it seems.
Best to specify an event that propels him into action, "?a murderous rampage?" is too vague in terms of time, place and character involvement. How about: After his best friend is killed by a serial killer, a boy must? or to give it a greater degree of motivation: After his brother is killed by a serRead more
Best to specify an event that propels him into action, “?a murderous rampage?” is too vague in terms of time, place and character involvement.
How about:
After his best friend is killed by a serial killer, a boy must?
or to give it a greater degree of motivation:
After his brother is killed by a serial killer, a boy must…
Once he finds the sister, then what? It doesn’t feel like the story finished, as the danger still exists. Why not make the boy need to catch the killer to put an end to his rampage?
For example:
After his brother is killed by a serial killer his sister goes missing, a fearful boy must then catch the killer on his own if he is to save her.
The only thing I can’t understand is why must the boy find her/save her/do anything on his own? Why doesn’t he call the police?
See lessWhen a dangerous spirit-god is summoned, a fearful college student must attempt to rescue his adventurous best friend whom the spirit-god has possessed.
Too few details and too many vague descriptions in this logline. As DPG pointed out, what? Who? Why? Where. Regarding the?structure, you mention the inciting incident at the end: "...his adventurous best friend whom the spirit-god has possessed?". Best to relocate your inciting incident to the startRead more
Too few details and too many vague descriptions in this logline.
As DPG pointed out, what? Who? Why? Where.
Regarding the?structure, you mention the inciting incident at the end: “…his adventurous best friend whom the spirit-god has possessed?”. Best to relocate your inciting incident to the start of the logline, so the reader can understand the premise and motivation when the first read the logline.
See lessAn Introvert, fed up with his mediocre life, runs off and ends up in a twisted experiment, his girlfriend must then find and save him from his own brainwashed mind before he is lost forever.
As FFF said. ?Whose story is it? ?Who is the protagonist?Also the nature of the experiment needs to be made specific. ?How was he brain washed? ?What exactly happens to him that puts him in jeopardy?Finally, ?as a card-carrying introvert (and ?content and proud), I take a special interest in storiesRead more
As FFF said. ?Whose story is it? ?Who is the protagonist?
Also the nature of the experiment needs to be made specific. ?How was he brain washed? ?What exactly happens to him that puts him in jeopardy?
Finally, ?as a card-carrying introvert (and ?content and proud), I take a special interest in stories where a principal character is portrayed as an introvert. ?Taking this logline at face value, my 1st impression is that the logline plays into the negative stereotype of introverts. ? Introversion has its own unique strengths, ?albeit sometimes challenging to portray in cinema, I grant you.
I hope I’m wrong, that you have enough (personal?) knowledge and understanding of introversion to portray the character with sympathy, insight and authenticity. ?
Just saying.
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