1. Posted: August 11, 2016In:

    He lost his friend and his father on the same day, fifteen years later a young man must overcome his inability to accept his loss and protect his friends from the same monster that his pain originates.

    [Deleted User]

    I think the problem with this one is mostly structure. While a logline is primarily to clearly and concisely convey the story, a great one also presents the tone and genre. Reading this, I had no idea it was a monster movie, or even a horror, until the very end but a trauma-based drama. My advice woRead more

    I think the problem with this one is mostly structure. While a logline is primarily to clearly and concisely convey the story, a great one also presents the tone and genre.

    Reading this, I had no idea it was a monster movie, or even a horror, until the very end but a trauma-based drama. My advice would be to take the helpful notes from Nir Shelter above and rewrite it, maybe something like;

    Fifteen years after a mysterious monster ravaged his father and best friend, a young man must protect his wife and newborn child when…”

    I also suggest replacing “young man” with something more sympathetic. Maybe hinting towards the stress and trauma he feels for the murder?

    Hope this helps.

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  2. Posted: August 10, 2016In:

    A timid young man must protect his friends and himself when the psychopath who killed his father fifteen years ago escapes from an asylum transfer and sets out on a new murdering spree.

    [Deleted User]

    Halloween? Except killing the dad instead of the sister and you've switched to a male protagonist. Try to add some originality, what's your hook that made you MUST write this down and share it.

    Halloween? Except killing the dad instead of the sister and you’ve switched to a male protagonist. Try to add some originality, what’s your hook that made you MUST write this down and share it.

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  3. Posted: August 7, 2016In:

    When corporate employees escaping a building blaze are machine-gunned down at the fire exit, a PR girl becomes trapped in a stairwell, and must outwit a deranged gunman.

    [Deleted User]

    I like this idea but there a few problems with your logline itself. Firstly, try and link everything as in: Why is the gunman targeting this building? Is it a bank that foreclosed on him? Secondly, your protagonist (not your situation) should be introduced first, and why should we sympathize with heRead more

    I like this idea but there a few problems with your logline itself.

    Firstly, try and link everything as in: Why is the gunman targeting this building? Is it a bank that foreclosed on him?

    Secondly, your protagonist (not your situation) should be introduced first, and why should we sympathize with her? What’s her flaw?

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