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A brutal ex-sheriff returns to the small town where she bullied others as a child to investigate a string of seemingly random suicides.
Never start a logline with "When" - I don't know why so many people try this; it isn't compelling and slows everything down, as do all the commas. Try phrasing it as a single straightforward un-paused sentence providing the protagonist, antagonist, conflict, & stakes. And if specifying all fourRead more
Never start a logline with “When” – I don’t know why so many people try this; it isn’t compelling and slows everything down, as do all the commas. Try phrasing it as a single straightforward un-paused sentence providing the protagonist, antagonist, conflict, & stakes. And if specifying all four of those things interrupts the flow, find a way to at least imply them.
Going by the other comments here it seems as though you’ve edited the logline since first posting, as there’s nothing in it now to identify the main character’s gender, which is often useful to do (though not strictly necessary) as it helps define the character in a very general way. Plus there are other quoted phrases not present. Also I’d be careful taking advice or feedback from anyone using superfluous apostrophes. Anyway here’s one possible example:
A retired sheriff returns to the small town where she bullied others as a child to investigate a string of seemingly random suicides.
The point is, it should flow, it should sum up the basic story elements in a quick burst of information…not be a drawn-out, casual stippling of dropped details for a reader to pick up.
See lessWhen clues from his friend’s disappearance lead to a high-class restaurant, an old hobo must save him from becoming part of the menu.
The inciting event needs to be more personal and direct . I would also consider changing this to comedy or black comedy - for some reason it feels better suited for yucks than screams.E.g:When a homeless woman wakes up missing her husband outside of a three Michelen hat restaurants, she must? save hRead more
The inciting event needs to be more personal and direct . I would also consider changing this to comedy or black comedy – for some reason it feels better suited for yucks than screams.
E.g:
See lessWhen a homeless woman wakes up missing her husband outside of a three Michelen hat restaurants, she must? save him before he becomes a part of the menu.
As a gang-ravaged inner-city estate is torn apart by a feral beast that feeds on hate and violence, one man trying to renounce his brutal past, must make his way through the bone shattering carnage to find his daughter.
The phrasing here is very off-putting, as is the unnecessary punctuation and excessive use of adjectives. Try arranging it more like: The protagonist engages in this conflict with the antagonist because of these stakes. It looks like you have all those details, they just need to flow better to be moRead more
The phrasing here is very off-putting, as is the unnecessary punctuation and excessive use of adjectives. Try arranging it more like:
The protagonist engages in this conflict with the antagonist because of these stakes.
It looks like you have all those details, they just need to flow better to be more compelling.
See less