1. Posted: April 28, 2018In:

    ?Massachusetts, 1692: The leader of a coven must convince a Puritan minister to work with her to find and stop a powerful and cunning excommunicated sorceress whom she suspects is secretly behind the Salem Witch Trials.?

    dpg Singularity

    Dho1115:Well.? Based on your comments, there are a number of issues I think you need to sort out.? First,? I suggest you have to decide who your protagonist is, the leader of the coven, or the refugee from the Puritan community?? If it's the latter, then the logline needs to re-framed around her.NowRead more

    Dho1115:

    Well.? Based on your comments, there are a number of issues I think you need to sort out.? First,? I suggest you have to decide who your protagonist is, the leader of the coven, or the refugee from the Puritan community?? If it’s the latter, then the logline needs to re-framed around her.

    Now? then, about your original logline which tags the leader as the protagonist.? What is her objective goal?? Taking it at face value, the logline? says that her objective goal is to persuade the minister to work with her.? Is that what the entire 2nd Act is taken up with — her arguing, pleading with, cajoling the minister into cooperating?

    Or is her objective goal to find and decommission the sorceress?? And getting the minister to cooperate as an ally is a means to that end?

    I assume her objective goal is to find and decommission the sorceress.? Therefore, the logline should cut out the middle man , the minister, and? cut to the chase, focus on the sorceress.

    fwiw

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: March 16, 2018In:

    A blacklisted 50s American screenwriter sets out to write the perfect script to win back his job, but an alien fungus slowly dissolves his ability to tell fact from fiction.

    dho1115 Logliner

    I kind of agree with what the others said. Depending on the reason he was blacklisted, he may not be able to get his job back even if he had the "perfect script" (like the other reviewer already mentioned), assuming that even exists. You protagonist and goal is clear, which is good, but for me, theRead more

    I kind of agree with what the others said. Depending on the reason he was blacklisted, he may not be able to get his job back even if he had the “perfect script” (like the other reviewer already mentioned), assuming that even exists.

    You protagonist and goal is clear, which is good, but for me, the issue lies more in the obstacle.

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: March 31, 2018In:

    Offered a drug at a high end party, a woman?s eyes slowly open to another dimension, she seeks remedy as she desperately attempts to reclaim her own sanity.

    dho1115 Logliner

    I do see a lot of potential here. This other dimension offers a lot of possibilities. Maybe it would be too much for this logline, but I would assume she would want to find the one who gave her this drug? Perhaps he's the only one with the remedy? Why did he offer her this drug? Aside from the remedRead more

    I do see a lot of potential here. This other dimension offers a lot of possibilities. Maybe it would be too much for this logline, but I would assume she would want to find the one who gave her this drug? Perhaps he’s the only one with the remedy? Why did he offer her this drug? Aside from the remedy, does she also want to exact revenge on the person who offered her the drug?

    I’d also like to know how this dimension is driving her insane. Maybe say something like it’s a nightmare-filled dimension or something.

    See less
    • 0