1. Posted: July 28, 2017In:

    After dying, Psychiatrist Ray Sandler and his secretary Caroline Neuwirth discover that they have gone to Hell and not Heaven. But there is hope in the form of Ben, a demon who offers both Ray and Caroline a chance to return to Earth, but at a cost. They must agree to get souls for Hell.

    Roberto Alto Logliner

    Simple rule : event - character - action. No names, never, ever. It sounds like it would be interesting if Ben was the protagonist, because you don't want to write about two protagonists - especially as a newbie. So, why does Ben want souls? he's lonely? The deserving hell types are soooo predictablRead more

    Simple rule : event – character – action. No names, never, ever. It sounds like it would be interesting if Ben was the protagonist, because you don’t want to write about two protagonists – especially as a newbie. So, why does Ben want souls? he’s lonely? The deserving hell types are soooo predictable? This is Ben’s story. If you changed his name to Stu you could call the screenplay Stu Alone.

    Try this: “When a couple enter?Hell and turn ?heads because it was an obvious error, a lonely demon longing for better friends?notices their goodly people-filled rolodexes, so?he presents an offer guaranteeing redirection?to Heaven, but with a ?caveat because?they would have to deliver heavenly souls in a manner that would NOT make them?deserving of Hell.”

    A fantastic setup! It’s a really long logline now – but you get the picture. It could be a comedy too.

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: July 18, 2017In:

    A research facility in Antarctica comes across an alien force that can become anything it touches with 100% accuracy. The members must now find out who’s human and who’s not before it’s too late. THE THING – 1982

    dpg Singularity

    Well, here's my attempt:When an alien species able to transmorgify into anything it kills attacks a remote Antarctic research station, the scientists must find out who's still human in order to survive. (29 words)Yeah, I know, I know. ?The logline doesn't single out a protagonist. ?I've never seen iRead more

    Well, here’s my attempt:

    When an alien species able to transmorgify into anything it kills attacks a remote Antarctic research station, the scientists must find out who’s still human in order to survive.
    (29 words)

    Yeah, I know, I know. ?The logline doesn’t single out a protagonist. ?I’ve never seen it, so I’m guessing that it’s primarily an ensemble piece. ?The ?plot is not about the struggle of one particular individual to survive, but the struggle of any one to survive.

    And the hook of the story is the nature of the alien and the particular predicament it poses for the humans. ?That is, in order to survive the cast of characters must figure out who is human and who is an alien in disguise.

    fwiw

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: July 11, 2017In:

    Confined to her apt complex during a CDC quarentine Briona must find a way for her father and her lovers not to kill each other.

    dpg Singularity

    The story has 2 distinct dramatic problems:There's a flu epidemic raging. A father wants to kill his daughter's lovers.Either one could set up a story line for a movie plot. ?But trying to combine them into one movie seems to over complicate the story line. ?It feels contrived. ?Complication for theRead more

    The story has 2 distinct dramatic problems:

    There’s a flu epidemic raging.
    A father wants to kill his daughter’s lovers.

    Either one could set up a story line for a movie plot. ?But trying to combine them into one movie seems to over complicate the story line. ?It feels contrived. ?Complication for the sake of complication without a clear causal relationship between the two dramatic problems.

    Further, the logline seems to confuse a complicating incident for an inciting incident.

    There is no obvious cause-and-effect relationship between epidemic/quarantine and the father’s murderous intent. ?Because the father would want to kill her lovers even if there was no epidemic, right? ?Because isn’t the cause of his anger is his discovery of her sex life which offends his morality (I presume)?

    ?The epidemic is a complication, but it is ?not a cause. ?So, it’s not the inciting incident. ?

    What is the real inciting incident that triggers her father’s murderous rage? ?Whatever it is, that is what should lead off the logline.

    ?

    See less
    • 0