1. Posted: July 14, 2022In:

    With the help of Elvis, a fourteen-year-old strrives to contain a series of disastrous events which he set in motion while working at his uncle’s run-down wax museum in Las Vegas.

    Odie Samurai

    There’s something to this. How would you describe the teen’s character or job function? Show, don’t tell the goal – “strives to contain a series of disastrous events, which he set in motion.” It sounds like Elvis and the teen are putting out fires. Is there an antagonist? For color, inject the stakeRead more

    There’s something to this.
    How would you describe the teen’s character or job function?
    Show, don’t tell the goal – “strives to contain a series of disastrous events, which he set in motion.”
    It sounds like Elvis and the teen are putting out fires. Is there an antagonist?
    For color, inject the stakes into your goal.

    Example:
    “A teen tour guide enlists the help of Elvis to [GOAL] when hired by a run-down Las Vegas wax museum.”
    Notice I excluded “while working” as that begs the reader, “why now?”
    Keep going!

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  2. Posted: July 12, 2022In:

    A unyielding stickler commander tries to lead a rescue team in a distress signal from distant base.

    BenGilani Logliner

    Is this what you are trying to say? An invincible zealous commander leads a rescue team in danger to safety (Remotely) (from distance). I hope this helps

    Is this what you are trying to say?

    An invincible zealous commander leads a rescue team in danger to safety (Remotely) (from distance).

    I hope this helps

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  3. Posted: July 12, 2022In:

    When the king ends up on his death bed, a young prince must prevent a revolution by stopping the chancellor from gaining control of the throne.

    BenGilani Logliner

    Hi Harris, How about this? With the king on his death bed, a young prince must prevent a chancellor from initiating a revolution that is aimed to surrender the kingdom to him. I hope this helps.

    Hi Harris,
    How about this?

    With the king on his death bed, a young prince must prevent a chancellor from initiating a revolution that is aimed to surrender the kingdom to him.

    I hope this helps.

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