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‘An Executive Business man arrives home at two in the morning, to the worry of his daughter, who finds he has not come home quite the same.’
Hi Julian. I'm new here and this is my very first review :-) I feel that you can make this one a little more intriguing. I see that this will be a horror story, but i didnt get the feeling of it when reading it. "An executive business man" doesn't tell me a lot about your character. Is he an obsessiRead more
Hi Julian. I’m new here and this is my very first review 🙂
See lessI feel that you can make this one a little more intriguing. I see that this will be a horror story, but i didnt get the feeling of it when reading it.
“An executive business man” doesn’t tell me a lot about your character. Is he an obsessive Executive? A very strict one? A sweet and condescending one? Adding a powerful adjective -that may show his flaw, may make the character more intriguing.
Is the 2 am relevant? If you remov eit, i dont feel that I miss anything.
“He has not come home quite the same” – That’s intriguing but a little vague. I think.
I hope this can help.
Fifteen years after fleeing a botched robbery, a reformed Marine returns home to find his wife and son kidnapped by the crew he betrayed—forcing him into a brutal race against time to save his family and finish a war he thought was over.
great emphasis on the backstory in the logline. interesting indeed, our protagonist is not just any guy or a husband, he is a man with some serious past, and he is a marine. fleeing the scene, then joined the forces to train himself, it is interesting to see what motivated him to join the marine forRead more
great emphasis on the backstory in the logline. interesting indeed, our protagonist is not just any guy or a husband, he is a man with some serious past, and he is a marine. fleeing the scene, then joined the forces to train himself, it is interesting to see what motivated him to join the marine force. Now the past has comeback to haunt him, it would be crazy if you can increase the stakes by adding time he has to save them in the logline.
See lessA hot- tempered uncle accidentally slaps a nagging woman over an ownership of a compound wall, issue soon spirals into a building-wide sensationalised political circus of gossip, mockery, legalities, and indifference.
what do you think?
what do you think?
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