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A young lawyer discovers through the diary of one of his ancestors that his family has served an ancient vampire for generations, so he must decide between succumbing to power and greed or doing the right thing and losing everything.
I would avoid loglines that end with a choice. Because watching a 90 movie where the lead is like "Should I?" or "Shouldn't I?" Makes the lead seem indecisive. Besides 90 minutes of someone trying to make a decision isn't very compelling. Instead, I would have the lead be 'Trapped' The lead discoverRead more
I would avoid loglines that end with a choice. Because watching a 90 movie where the lead is like “Should I?” or “Shouldn’t I?” Makes the lead seem indecisive. Besides 90 minutes of someone trying to make a decision isn’t very compelling.
Instead, I would have the lead be ‘Trapped’
The lead discovers he is bound by a contract his ancestors made and the story would be him trying to figure a way out.
Dig your lead into a hole then start shoveling dirt on top of him.
See lessWhen a naive and shy young man loses his humanity to an evil futuristic corporation, he tries to destroy it to free himself and others with the questionable help of two sides, good and evil, from which he finds no difference.
Hello and welcome! Consider the following to strengthen your logline/premise: 1. A worldbuilder may benefit your logline to orientate the reader e.g., “Set in a dystopian future, …” OR “In a dystopian future enslaved by a tyrannical megacorp, ...” 2. Try to produce a single word to describe your proRead more
Hello and welcome!
Consider the following to strengthen your logline/premise:
1. A worldbuilder may benefit your logline to orientate the reader e.g., “Set in a dystopian future, …” OR “In a dystopian future enslaved by a tyrannical megacorp, …”
2. Try to produce a single word to describe your protag’s (before arc) psychology or sociology.
3. Who is this young man? E.g., “A downtrodden clerk.”
4. Concerning the major event (his call to action) – losing one’s humanity is good, but in this world doesn’t everybody? Thus, you need an answer for “why him to save the world, what makes him so special?”
5. Concerning your goal, your protag cannot attempt or try – he must do. Having a goal of destroying a soul-sucking evil megacorp is good! In loglines we need to see intent, thus he must.
6. Evil corps are vague when it comes to opposition, think about an antagonist, a baddie CEO – we need a face to punch 😉.
7. Stating how your protag is going to complete the goal is known as the “method” which is rare to see in loglines. In your case, I am intrigued by your questionable good/evil help, but I am unable to envision what this looks like.
8. Check out the Formula link in the header to hone your logline!
This is what I can gather: When a downtrodden lemming gets his soul ripped out by the evil megacorp he toils for, a good/bad angel (classic one on each shoulder) appears to help with the singular goal of destroying it to regain his soul/humanity.
Hope you find this constructive, for me the questionable help is your hook and may answer #4.
See lessTake care.
In a male-dominated town, a frustrated editor attends to self-help groups for men, not to seek help but to prepare himself against them.
This logline isn't very specific or personal. To improve the logline you should show how the death of the gay dancer (From the previous logline) personally affects the lead character. Also, you should put a face to the bad guy. ----- "When his best friend, a gay dancer, is killed by the town bully aRead more
This logline isn’t very specific or personal.
To improve the logline you should show how the death of the gay dancer (From the previous logline) personally affects the lead character.
Also, you should put a face to the bad guy.
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“When his best friend, a gay dancer, is killed by the town bully and his pack, a frustrated editor attends a men’s retreat in order to get close to those responsible and get his revenge.”
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Overall, I think this is a solid premise. Perhaps the ‘self-help group for men,’ could be one of those, rediscover your manhood conferences, where the men all camp in the woods for a week in order to get back to the ‘Caveman within’.
The lead character would then knock the bad guys off one by one.
See lessOr if this is a non-violent movie, He finds his ‘caveman within’ only to (Discover ‘this’ about himself)