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When an Earth colony ship teacher discovers his government is hiding information and executing it’s citizens, he must find a way to hide from the governments watchful eyes and rebel; but when his friends are captured he must find a way to overthrow the government to save his friends and free his people.
Thanks for the synopsis, consider the following: 1. A teacher suddenly missing students is a good inciting incident. 2. To keep your protag from having a passive goal e.g., follows rebels, consider adding a rescue mission that is anything but, and the “mission for equality” becomes his arc. 3. GoverRead more
Thanks for the synopsis, consider the following:
1. A teacher suddenly missing students is a good inciting incident.
2. To keep your protag from having a passive goal e.g., follows rebels, consider adding a rescue mission that is anything but, and the “mission for equality” becomes his arc.
3. Governments are big and vague, if keeping in the logline, try focusing the mission against one e.g., benevolent leader 😉 ~ Fallout game reference.
Based on your synopsis, I can glean the following – make these yours:
“Set on an Earth colony ship in a dystopian future, a loyalist teacher’s rescue mission to recover missing activist students turns into a quest for equality”
OR
“When radicalized students go missing, a loyalist teacher on an Earth colony ship sets out to …“
BTW, love the twist – they’re not actually in space!
Keep going, take care.
See lessAfter believing that his son is possessed, a former sinful man learns that the spirit is son’s mother whom the man had shot dead a few years ago and she wants revenge
This logline doesn't have an action. Who is the protagonist? I'm assuming it's the sinful man but the logline reads as though the mother could be the protagonist. If it's the man that's the protagonist what does he do once his wife possesses his son? Also I wouldn't use the word "believing" in the lRead more
This logline doesn’t have an action. Who is the protagonist? I’m assuming it’s the sinful man but the logline reads as though the mother could be the protagonist. If it’s the man that’s the protagonist what does he do once his wife possesses his son?
Also I wouldn’t use the word “believing” in the logline. I would just say something like “After a reformed sinner’s son is possessed by the vengeful wife he murdered, he must find a way to exorcise her before the truth is revealed.”
See lessA young woman’s life turn upside down when she joins a secret agency to fend off her bullies.
It doesn't look like there is an event that causes her to take this path. Loglines need three elements an Event (Inciting Incident), a character that that event happens to, and the the action the character takes as a result of the event. At the moment you only have a character and an action. The bulRead more
It doesn’t look like there is an event that causes her to take this path. Loglines need three elements an Event (Inciting Incident), a character that that event happens to, and the the action the character takes as a result of the event. At the moment you only have a character and an action. The bullies may have been bullying her for years. What happened to her that has forced her to join the secret Agency? What was it that turned her life upside down?
See less