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A young, hot-headed loner must embark on a dark, twisted odyssey in Miami to rescue his sister from being forced into prostitution by mysterious kidnappers.
I think there's an interesting premise here but I have a couple of comments: "young" - how young? Young could be 6, could be 16, could even be 26. Loglines (most of the time) thrive on specificity. "dark, twisted odyssey" - same comment as above - specifically, what happens? Think visually, what wilRead more
I think there’s an interesting premise here but I have a couple of comments:
“young” – how young? Young could be 6, could be 16, could even be 26. Loglines (most of the time) thrive on specificity.
“dark, twisted odyssey” – same comment as above – specifically, what happens? Think visually, what will we see on screen?
“Miami” – I don’t think we need a location. The plot remains identical if this was replaced with New York, LA, London, Sydney, Tokyo… etc. Only include a location if, without it, the logline makes no sense.
Final point (and this one is a bit more problematic) – His sister has been kidnapped (I think it’s important we know how old she is too but we can probably get something from his age)… how does the protagonist know that she’s being forced into prostitution?? It’s not the sort of thing you’d find out about until she was found.
Instead, consider that his sister has fallen into the wrong crowd her boyfriend/pimp is forcing her into prostitution and never lets her leave. This makes sense and gets around the problematic kidnapping element.
Food for thought. Interested to see where it goes.
Hope it helps.
See lessA writer’s life has turned upside down when he suspects his mentally ill twin brother who kidnapped, sexually abused and murdered his daughter.
So what's he going to do about it? You've given us an inciting incident, but that's all. "life has turned upside down" - This is a pet peeve of mine in a logline. All it means is (when your really think about it) something dramatic changes in the protagonist's life. That's it! And that is kinda oneRead more
So what’s he going to do about it? You’ve given us an inciting incident, but that’s all.
“life has turned upside down” – This is a pet peeve of mine in a logline. All it means is (when your really think about it) something dramatic changes in the protagonist’s life. That’s it! And that is kinda one of the fundamentals of storytelling. Something has happened that is worth writing a story about. In my opinion, it’s pretty much a given.
Your hero is simply a “man”. This guy is supporting the weight of the entire story on his shoulders so perhaps consider fleshing him out a bit more. “Man” could be anything from 18-100+. In story terms, that changes things considerably. If his daughter died 40 years ago, it would be a very different story to if his daughter was found dead 2 days ago. So he’s a man… but who is he really?
“Double Suspicion” – According to your logline, he doesn’t suspect his twin brother, he discovered this to be true. So there’s no suspicion at all.
Since you’ve put in this in Thriller, my guess is that he doesn’t just go to the police. If it was a story about dealing emotionally with the consequences of this event, I imagine it would be in Drama. Since it’s Thriller, my guess is that he’s going after his brother. You need to tell us that! You need to tell us what this “man” is going to do about this. That’s key. Without a goal, you’ve got nothing for the protagonist to do after Act I.
Hope this helps.
See less1. When domestic violence is unleashed on her 24 year old self, the social media-ite must defuse his assaults before she’s loved to death.
I don't know what you mean by, 'defuse his assaults'? 'Defuse his assaults' would mean to lessen the severity of his assaults. Make them so they don't hurt as much, so she can live with being assaulted. That seems like either a weird goal or a strange wording of the logline. (Probably the second) --Read more
I don’t know what you mean by, ‘defuse his assaults’?
‘Defuse his assaults’ would mean to lessen the severity of his assaults. Make them so they don’t hurt as much, so she can live with being assaulted.
That seems like either a weird goal or a strange wording of the logline. (Probably the second)
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See less“When her boyfriend assaults her after a night of partying, a Youtuber must…” (Then tell us what your lead must do)