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When a snake attack threatens his species with extinction, a sheltered kangaroo rat must embark on a perilous journey to unite his colony with another, 250 kilometers away.
There's something here for sure. I don't think the snake attack can be said to threaten his species with extinction when there's another colony 250km away. It can threaten his colony, but we already know there are others. How does the kangaroo rat know there's another colony? Or is his quest to findRead more
There’s something here for sure.
I don’t think the snake attack can be said to threaten his species with extinction when there’s another colony 250km away. It can threaten his colony, but we already know there are others. How does the kangaroo rat know there’s another colony? Or is his quest to find others and he doesn’t know if there are any more? Either way, write it from his perspective.
“A sheltered kangaroo rat must lead the desperate survivors on a perilous journey across the desert to find more of their kind after a vicious snake attack decimates the colony.”
I can’t decide if it’s better for him to go alone and then cut back to the remains of the colony who are eagerly awaiting his return with reinforcements, or for him to have the responsibility of looking after everyone left. Go with the story you want to tell.
Keep going with this.
Hope this helps.
See lessWhen a young man discovers a magic sword that gives him the power to see the curse that he has due to his sins and that will guide him to the lost city where he will be healed, he will have to deal with the supreme leader of his former city as well as the guilt of past actions.
This is really hard to follow I'm afraid. Fantasy is always difficult because there is always an amount of expositional stuff that is needed. In this case though, I feel like it could be cleaned up a little too. Pet peeve: "young man" - your protagonist deserves better! Imagine if someone close to yRead more
This is really hard to follow I’m afraid. Fantasy is always difficult because there is always an amount of expositional stuff that is needed. In this case though, I feel like it could be cleaned up a little too.
Pet peeve: “young man” – your protagonist deserves better! Imagine if someone close to you was asked to describe you in two words, and all they had to say was “young man” or “young woman”… surely you deserve a little more consideration. Well, so does your hero.
So this “young man” finds a magic sword that just happens to give him the power to see his curse AND show him the way to a lost city where he’ll be healed? The only thing standing in his way is the guy who ran the town that he’s left but I don’t know why. I feel like there needs to be more conflict. It’s too easy! We need to know why the Supreme Leader is after this guy. “Deal with” is incredibly vague too. Loglines thrive on specificity, so tell us, specifically, what the conflict is and why.
“deal with the guilt of past actions” – I’d probably cut this to be honest. You could add “repentant” as his characteristic and that would probably do the trick. What are his past sins though?
My thoughts are that the plot should actually start with the quest for the magic sword that the Supreme Leader is also after. Then there’s immediate conflict from the start and more plot to sustain the 90mins+ runtime. I would consider saying “guide him on a perilous journey” or something to at least suggest there are other threats in this fantasy world.
Thematically and from a plot perspective, why a sword? It’s not stated that any fighting is taking place so I’m wondering why a weapon.
Logline wise, at 59 words it’s too long, even for a Fantasy. I would try and focus on the conflict and the structure of your plot. What needs to happen, when, and who or what is standing in their way (and why in the case of the Supreme Leader). Once you feel you have the bare elements, try framing the logline around them. Focus on the external too. Leave stuff like “as well as the guilt of his past actions” on the cutting room floor because, in terms of what’s happening on screen, it’s meaningless as it’s happening inside the character’s head.
I realise I’ve waffled a bit here so I hope this helps.
See lessA social media influencer-environmentalist is forced to work with a disreputable concrete manufacturer, to bolster its “green” credibility, after she loses all her money in a card game to the manufacturer’s owner.
And then what happens? What's her goal? What sustains the 90min+ runtime? This is kinda just the inciting incident. Since this is a drama, I feel like her losing ALL her money in a card game is somewhat "because the plot demands it". If it were a comedy, you might (might) get away with it. This is jRead more
And then what happens? What’s her goal? What sustains the 90min+ runtime? This is kinda just the inciting incident.
Since this is a drama, I feel like her losing ALL her money in a card game is somewhat “because the plot demands it”. If it were a comedy, you might (might) get away with it. This is just my opinion though.
I think a stronger protagonist would be one who wasn’t forced into something.
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