1. Posted: July 9, 2020In:

    In the aftermath of a school shooting, a victim’s non-athletic father who has given up on life finds meaning in coaching his dead son’s basketball team to the championships.

    Mukul Kandara Penpusher

    I get a sense of the story that will take place and can see where it's headed but I think the logline can be more succinct, especially when describing the father. Perhaps, changing the event to include a connection to the main character could help (e.g. After his son dies in a school shooting, an aiRead more

    I get a sense of the story that will take place and can see where it’s headed but I think the logline can be more succinct, especially when describing the father. Perhaps, changing the event to include a connection to the main character could help (e.g. After his son dies in a school shooting, an aimless, non-athletic father finds meaning in coaching his son’s basketball team to the championships.)

    It’s an interesting character struggle that father faces in this story. How close and involved was he with his son before he died? Why does he think coaching basketball is a way to memorialise his son and overcome his grief? Why is he allowed to coach the basketball team if he is not athletic? Not saying that you need to answer these questions in the logline but the answering them for yourself may help to pick more specific words to describe the character and story in a logline.

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  2. Posted: July 8, 2020In:

    When stranded in her partner’s old ski village on the anniversary of his disappearance, a distraught woman must finally kill the old thing that’s been lurking in the snow.

    mebrandt2 Penpusher

    I'd personally drop the when and reword the star more like, "Stranded on the anniversary of her partner's disappearance in his old ski village..." To me that comes right out the gate with impact, of course this is a personal preference. Did her partner own a ski village or live there or was it a plaRead more

    I’d personally drop the when and reword the star more like, “Stranded on the anniversary of her partner’s disappearance in his old ski village…” To me that comes right out the gate with impact, of course this is a personal preference. Did her partner own a ski village or live there or was it a place he visited? The wording for that seems a tad off to me, maybe I’m not versed enough in skiing to understand that. Still, I would be interested to know what has been lurking in the snow.

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  3. Posted: July 9, 2020In:

    A young black man accidentally travels to the past. He is decided to save his great-grandmother, a slave, with the help of her owner’s son

    CraigDGriffiths Uberwriter

    What are the obstacles and/or outcomes. Time travel is always tricky. Travelling back in time a young black man attempts to save his slave great grandmother but.... forcing him to .... That sort of thing. I do like the idea.

    What are the obstacles and/or outcomes. Time travel is always tricky.

    Travelling back in time a young black man attempts to save his slave great grandmother but…. forcing him to ….

    That sort of thing. I do like the idea.

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