1. Posted: July 2, 2020In:

    Missing – A broken undercover cop and rookie detective are transferred into missing persons. During investigating a missing woman they discover links to one of his old undercover cases and a cover up by his former handler.

    Mike Pedley Singularity

    This is all just the inciting incident as it currently stands. What are they going to do about it? What's their objective goal? I feel like the first sentence is unnecessary. We don't need to know they are transferred as that's simply a bit of back story and not the inciting incident. Without knowinRead more

    This is all just the inciting incident as it currently stands. What are they going to do about it? What’s their objective goal?

    I feel like the first sentence is unnecessary. We don’t need to know they are transferred as that’s simply a bit of back story and not the inciting incident. Without knowing why they’re transferred and how that could play into the story, it’s just a bit of colour really.

    I’m not sure we need the rookie detective in the logline either. It seems to be much more personal to the undercover cop so, whilst he can have a partner, logline-wise it doesn’t add a lot.

    The word “broken” is a bit ambiguous. What, specifically, is wrong with him? You mention PTSD in your comment, PTSD from what?

    I think the cover up is possibly an MPR. Surely first of all he makes the connection to an old case then as he investigates that he discovers the cover up that changes his goal. Classic MPR.

    I wonder if it’s worth adding that the old case is unsolved. Then the goal is more obvious – solve both cases. It also answers the “why this guy?” question. It’s his old case that he never solved.

    I think it would be reasonably straightforward to make this logline work as one sentence, have a suitable goal, and an MPR. What’s the hook though? There’s nothing (yet) that makes this stand out from other similar crime noir films. Flip genders? Homme fatale instead of femme fatale?

    Hope this helps in some way.

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  2. Posted: July 1, 2020In:

    When he forgets a new drug at a police officer’s house, a clumsy teenage drug-dealer must retrieve the stash and deliver the substance to an ex-chemist to replicate it.

    dpg Singularity

    Why would an audience root for a drug dealer to succeed? What are the stakes? What will the kid gain if he (finally) delivers the drug? What does he stand to lose if he fails? Why does the drug lord entrust such a mission critical job to an immature, foolish and unreliable newbie instead of giving tRead more

    Why would an audience root for a drug dealer to succeed? What are the stakes? What will the kid gain if he (finally) delivers the drug? What does he stand to lose if he fails?

    Why does the drug lord entrust such a mission critical job to an immature, foolish and unreliable newbie instead of giving the task to a tried and tested veteran?

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  3. Posted: July 2, 2020In:

    In the aftermath of a school shooting, the perpetrator’s loner best friend becomes a romantically involved with a popular girl who was injured in the incident. Their relationship is put to the test when he is forced to testify at an inquest that he had foreknowledge of the tragedy.

    dpg Singularity

    It's an interesting dramatic problem. But the impact of his testimony extends far beyond his relationship with a popular girl. Also at risk is the relationship with his family. And he is in serious legal trouble, too. And it would seem that his romantic relationship pivots on how she reacts to his cRead more

    It’s an interesting dramatic problem. But the impact of his testimony extends far beyond his relationship with a popular girl. Also at risk is the relationship with his family. And he is in serious legal trouble, too.

    And it would seem that his romantic relationship pivots on how she reacts to his confession. He can’t dictate how he wants her to feel about him; he can’t make her love him. It’s her call, her decision as to whether to continue the relationship or break it off. In other words, she is in the driver’s seat of that plot thread.

    So if you want to write a script that focuses on their relationship more than other aspect than I suggest consider writing (and loglining) if from her point of view.

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