1. Posted: April 9, 2020In:

    “A guilt-ridden hunter must protect his family from a murderous gang when he accidentally kills their leader’s daughter.”

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    My try:After accidentally killing a drug lord's daughter, a guilt-ridden hunter must protect his family from the gangster's rage.Start with the inciting event and with the goal.The biggest problem with this logline is that there's no definitive end to the story.? As it's not clear what protecting thRead more

    My try:

    After accidentally killing a drug lord’s daughter, a guilt-ridden hunter must protect his family from the gangster’s rage.

    Start with the inciting event and with the goal.

    The biggest problem with this logline is that there’s no definitive end to the story.? As it’s not clear what protecting the family entails, we don’t understand what the action is and how long it goes for. For a week, a month, a year? And how does he protect them? Fending off assassination attempts, killing the gangster?

    ?

    ?

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  2. Posted: April 7, 2020In:

    A terminally ill Irish banker with only six months to live must convince her jilted ex-fiance and American baseball star to return back to Ireland to meet his unknown, 10-year-old daughter.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Agreed with Richiev... Perhaps you should add a unique way in which she tries to convince him. What does she actually do to convince him that she's his daughter?

    Agreed with Richiev…

    Perhaps you should add a unique way in which she tries to convince him.

    What does she actually do to convince him that she’s his daughter?

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  3. Posted: April 8, 2020In:

    A smart but directionless food delivery boy is mistakenly given the kiss of death from a psychotic gangster and must outwit the mob in order to survive and get his life back on track

    Trix Samurai

    Hi guswakey, I really like your premise - I can totally see it playing out for comedic value. ?I think Craig has pretty much knocked this on the head, and your second logline reads so much better. ? I'm thinking about how you can fine-tune it... my thoughts are along these lines: 'smart but directioRead more

    Hi guswakey,

    I really like your premise – I can totally see it playing out for comedic value. ?I think Craig has pretty much knocked this on the head, and your second logline reads so much better. ? I’m thinking about how you can fine-tune it… my thoughts are along these lines:

    • ‘smart but directionless’ – as Craig says, how does this impact the script. ?This will be the beginning of his growth arc, so I’m guessing he’s smart because you want him to be able to figure out what to do? ?And directionless is covering a backstory of why he’s working as a pizza boy rather than using his intellect? ?So by the end of the story he’ll be smart and have a direction in life? ?What will this direction be? ?How will this help him convince a mafia don they made a mistake and how will this successful mission give him direction in life? ?What flaws will it fix and how?
    • I guess his family being threatened is a threat for him to come out of hiding? ?If they are held hostage, why wouldn’t he just use himself as a bargaining chip to get access to the Don? ?Problem sorted – or at least family saved?
    • Who was supposed to get the kiss? ?Would locating them help him in his mission (without throwing them under the bus of course)?
    • Why pizza? ?If he can be any kind of delivery boy, I’d choose one that helps you in your plot/comes in useful in the solution… it may be pizza still, or it could be documents, medicine?

    Regards
    Trix

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