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On the cusp of the 23rd century,? our world has almost completely succumbed to global warming, forcing all inhabitants to live in one giant, multi-cultured community. Racism, greed, destruction, and chaos run amok with no end in sight. Every citizen is forced to pick up weapons to either slaughter or protect. A young adult and his best friend enlist in a government-owned team of fighters, whose main goal is to stop the spread of corruption and save humanity from the brink of extinction.
Agree with yqwertz on every point.Particularly the point about the protagonist being described in general terms.? He comes across as a generic combo Savior/SJW (- Social Justice Warrior).? What distinguishes him from all the other scripts and story ideas about would-be Saviors?? (And there plenty ofRead more
Agree with yqwertz on every point.
Particularly the point about the protagonist being described in general terms.? He comes across as a generic combo Savior/SJW (- Social Justice Warrior).? What distinguishes him from all the other scripts and story ideas about would-be Saviors?? (And there plenty of them in loglines posted here.)? What’s his mojo, what makes him uniquely qualified, humanity’s best and only hope to avoid extinction?
See lessForced out of a cloistered life after his employer dies, an illiterate simpleton gardener becomes a media celebrity and Washington influencer after a dying billionaire mistakes his gardening advice as metaphorical words of economic wisdom.
I would like to remark on the strategy I used to arrive at the version I posted.The general rule is that a logline should be no longer than 25 words in length.? But, of course, there are always exceptions, outliers.? Loglines that require more than 30 words are a particular challenge. (Loglines thatRead more
I would like to remark on the strategy I used to arrive at the version I posted.
The general rule is that a logline should be no longer than 25 words in length.? But, of course, there are always exceptions, outliers.? Loglines that require more than 30 words are a particular challenge. (Loglines that exceed 40 words are a problem? –? a fatal flaw. A logline longer than 40 words is DOA — dead on arrival.)
So the question is: how best to craft a logline for scripts and story ideas that are longer?? My answer is:? deliver the story hook within the first 25 words.
The story hook? for “Being There” is how a simpleton gardener becomes a media celebrity and Washington influencer.? My first rough drafts for a logline followed the sequence of events.? And so:
His employer’s death forces a illiterate simpleton out of his cloistered life into the world where a politically powerful but dying billionaire mistakes him as a sage economist transforming him into a celebrity and influential Washington player.
Well, at 37 words it stays under the 40 word ceiling and, less or more, conveys what the story is about.? But it contains a serious flaw:? the reader has to slog through 28 words to find out what the story hook is.? (And I am rabid on the point that the story hook is the most important element in a logline.) So I reworked the logline? until I could plant the story hook before the 25th word , that is,? state it within the generally accepted maximum logline length.
In the version posted, the story hook is inserted before word 22.? I violated the letter of the “law” with a 35 word logline, but observed the “spirit” by getting the story hook within the 1st 25 words.
Mission accomplished.
fwiw
See lessAfter awakening from a ten-year coma, a wise-cracking gay wheelchair-bound French assassin discovers his arch-nemesis, the psychotic Jameson Juicer, murdered his family, to seek revenge he must sneak into the 13 story-Juicer-compound filled with hundreds of cut-throats, and absolutely no handicap accessibility.
At 42 words this is a little long. There's a lot of unnecessary words so I think it could be easily trimmed. I think a sneaky bit of a adding "-" might have been occurring too. Protagonist - 5 of these words are dedicated to describing the protagonist. Whilst it is an interesting description, I feelRead more
At 42 words this is a little long. There’s a lot of unnecessary words so I think it could be easily trimmed. I think a sneaky bit of a adding “-” might have been occurring too.
Protagonist – 5 of these words are dedicated to describing the protagonist. Whilst it is an interesting description, I feel that some of the attributes you’ve used are not necessary in the purposes of a logline. His nationality, sexuality, and his ability to crack wise are somewhat irrelevant to the plot. If he were American, straight, and boring the plot remains the same. Revenge! The only thing that is relevant is his mobility (more on this later) and that he’s an assassin. Neither of these suggest an internal arc but you could argue that this is suggested by the revenge plot.
Antagonist – We don’t need a name. It adds nothing but two words and a bit of alliteration. Why psychotic? Why did he murder the protagonist’s family? As it stands, it seems like it’s just to set up the plot. Maybe set up it up so the accident that put the hero in the coma killed his family, and that was all orchestrated by the bad guy because the protagonist assassinated Juicer’s partner – business or otherwise. There has to be something deeper than “because plot”.
Goal – revenge. Yep fine. Understandable. The above point applies though. Why did the bad guy do this in the first place?
Do we need to know it’s 13 stories? Definitely don’t need to know it’s the Juicer compound. Just “high-rise HQ” or something.
“filled with hundreds of cut-throats” – why? Why are they all there? Again, it can’t be because plot. If it’s HQ, it’s believable that it’s full of bad guys, but full of cut-throats? And hundreds? Not saying it’s not, but the reader has to understand why the protagonist MUST do this here.
“Absolutely no handicap accessibility” – this is the bit where I think the whole thing fell down. I get that you want it to be a challenge BUT why would a disabled assassin try and take out this guy somewhere where he can’t even get through the front door, and knowingly has to face off against 100s of bad guys. It’s completely illogical. I love the idea of a wheel-chair bound assassin, but dramatically and comedically, there’s only a few times you can use it before the audience gets tired of it. John McClane is barefoot and it’s played for drama once and for comedy… maybe twice? If your protagonist simply can’t get in the building to start with, then the plot doesn’t even start. I honestly think, tell us he’s wheelchair bound – great – but make it so the building is accessible. In fact, don’t even mention it. I don’t think you need to. A reader will imagine the difficulty of being wheelchair bound in this scenario. It reminded me of the Family Guy episode where the wheelchair bound neighbour, Joe, isn’t allowed into the beer factory because there’s no ramp. That’s the end of Joe’s story in that episode. One joke. The reader has to understand why this is the only place this showdown can happen. Otherwise why wouldn’t the protagonist just wait for him to come out then kill him?
Definitely stick with it, but make everything work for the plot. The only way this guy is going to survive is BECAUSE he’s in a wheelchair! Don’t just make that a punchline. Make it logical, relatable, and realistic (as realistic as possibly anyway for this kinda thing). Excited to see where this goes 🙂
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