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In a future where the wealthy live above the smog in floating cities, a group of scavengers ? led by a buoyant teen ? make the seemingly impossible ascent from the barren earth below in search of essential supplies for their people.
Wasn't expecting this level of feedback - thank you! All of your comments are of use and give me a good insight into what I'm not communicating about my story within the logline.
Wasn’t expecting this level of feedback – thank you!
All of your comments are of use and give me a good insight into what I’m not communicating about my story within the logline.
See lessWhen the town bully humiliates him, a mild-mannered cowboy sets out to reclaim his dignity, only to accidentally kill the man, and set off his violent outlaw family.
Agree with Richiev.Loglines are about objective goals,? places, persons or things that can be visualized on screen.>>>intends to reclaim his ?dignity?. (Which he later learns is his masculinity.)What's the visual for "dignity"?? What does "his masculinity" look like? The elements of a logliRead more
Agree with Richiev.
Loglines are about objective goals,? places, persons or things that can be visualized on screen.
>>>intends to reclaim his ?dignity?. (Which he later learns is his masculinity.)
What’s the visual for “dignity”?? What does “his masculinity” look like? The elements of a logline should map to a visualized object, moment or scene in the film. In terms of cinema. “reclaiming dignity and masculinity” refer to subjective needs.
The logline seems to bury the plot. 21 out of 28 words are about the setup for the plot, only 7 about the plot, the “fun and games” time (a la? the “Save the Cat” paradigm) that happens as a consequence.? And then only indirectly, in terms of? what the deceased’s family does, not in terms of what the main character must do.
See lessRHSC (red-headed step child)
Hi Dusty, I gave this a go and added some stuff. (My interpretation from reading the original logline.) After they accidentally kill a neighbour in a fatal car crash, a newlywed couple fight to stay alive, as the man's creepy kids begin a campaign of revenge. I made the fatal accident more specific.Read more
Hi Dusty,
I gave this a go and added some stuff. (My interpretation from reading the original logline.)
After they accidentally kill a neighbour in a fatal car crash, a newlywed couple fight to stay alive, as the man’s creepy kids begin a campaign of revenge.
I made the fatal accident more specific.
Most newlyweds are young – so I’m hoping the reader will fill that in.
Admittedly, my logline reminds me of https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1020530/
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