1. Posted: February 28, 2020In:

    When an ex-soldier comes to meet his son who was born of rape during the war, he must convince the mother (the woman he raped) that his intentions are clear. (SHORT FILM)

    variable Uberwriter

    - when an ex soldier comes to meet his son..This is not the inciting incident, else the mother would've been the protagonist. Why made him want to meet his son? We need to know what's at stake, especially when the protagonist has been a rapist

    – when an ex soldier comes to meet his son..

    This is not the inciting incident, else the mother would’ve been the protagonist. Why made him want to meet his son? We need to know what’s at stake, especially when the protagonist has been a rapist

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  2. Posted: February 10, 2020In:

    When a Papuan native girl enters service in Sydney and meets a spoiled rich boy who becomes seriously ill, she must convince him that to survive he must adopt an ancient native tradition.

    dpg Singularity

    Re:? After a spoilt, sophisticated graduate becomes seriously ill, he must change his life view when a Papuan native girl demonstrates that his only chance for survival rests on a holistic treatment in her village. The latest revision leads with the guy instead of the girl.? Which raises the questioRead more

    Re:? After a spoilt, sophisticated graduate becomes seriously ill, he must change his life view when a Papuan native girl demonstrates that his only chance for survival rests on a holistic treatment in her village.

    The latest revision leads with the guy instead of the girl.? Which raises the question:? who owns this story vehicle?? Who is in the driver’s seat of the plot?? Even in the rewrite, it seems that the protagonist is the girl, not the guy.? She is the character who should be in the lead of the logline .

    In all the versions, the native girl is a steadfast character; that is, she doesn’t undergo a dramatic arc of change.? It’s the rich boy who changes dramatically, as he must because of the stakes: he’s the one facing a life and death health crisis.

    The usual rule is that the protagonist should have a character arc, a flaw or personal problem that requires a dramatic change.? But that rule is a guideline, not an ironclad, inviolate dramatic law.? It’s perfectly legit for some other character to own the character arc as long as that character has a significant relationship with the protagonist.? Which is certainly the case here.

     

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  3. Posted: February 27, 2020In:

    When an ATC controller is contacted by the flight on which his troubled younger brother crashed 13 years ago, he must convince the pilot to get his brother on the radio to make amends, and find out why his body was never found.

    yqwertz Mentor

    As written, the logline does not indicate a "Thriller", rather it points to a drama. And that drama is taking place entirely in the man's head as there is no indication anyone else is involved. The only question is why the mental breakdown took so long in coming. If this is not meant to be a story aRead more

    As written, the logline does not indicate a “Thriller”, rather it points to a drama. And that drama is taking place entirely in the man’s head as there is no indication anyone else is involved. The only question is why the mental breakdown took so long in coming.

    If this is not meant to be a story about one man’s mental struggle with guilt, then the inciting incident must be the appearance of the long lost plane on the ATC’s radar screen. (Maybe the plane disappeared over the ocean and no bodies or wreckage were ever found.) This would put the film in either the sci-fi or supernatural thriller genres. However, planes don’t stay on one tower’s radar screen for very long, either they land or fly on. In this case the main goal has to be to get the plane on the ground and find out where it has been for the last 13 years. Yes, the man wants to reconcile with his brother, but that is a secondary plot line.

    I think you have an interesting idea, but the logline needs a clear direction so we know where the story is headed..

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