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  1. Posted: February 24, 2020In: Horror

    While shooting their first music video, a local metal band on the rise quickly realizes that the urban legend surrounding their filming location is true: When people enter, they don?t exit.

    Best Answer
    mrliteral Samurai
    Added an answer on February 25, 2020 at 7:42 pm

    Too long with too much information, yet also not enough detail. Wo don't need to know it's their first video and they're on the rise, but we do need to know what the location is and why it turned out to be a bad idea. Rephrase it without the punctuation and just tell us what it's about: a band shootRead more

    Too long with too much information, yet also not enough detail. Wo don’t need to know it’s their first video and they’re on the rise, but we do need to know what the location is and why it turned out to be a bad idea.

    Rephrase it without the punctuation and just tell us what it’s about: a band shooting a video somewhere dangerous. As is we don’t really have an idea what the overall story is about; you’ve basically summed up a single moment of realization…a single moment is not an entire film. Sum up the first half of the story to the midpoint.

    “A heavy metal band shooting a video at an abandoned castle must survive until morning when the location turns out to be haunted.”

    Just hit us with the pertinent details — protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes — so we’ll be interested enough to read more. You can provide additional detail about the characters and location in a synopsis.

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  2. Posted: February 25, 2020In: Thriller

    A young street drummer must shut down a secret cloning laboratory after three escaped wolf-human hybrids follow him home.

    mrliteral Samurai
    Added an answer on February 25, 2020 at 6:58 pm

    Short and to the point. No commas. These are good things. So is starting with the protagonist and keeping the description simple. It might be nice to know what kind of street performer, but perhaps not entirely necessary.Then it derails. Life taking a new turn is a given; if that didn't happen thereRead more

    Short and to the point. No commas. These are good things. So is starting with the protagonist and keeping the description simple. It might be nice to know what kind of street performer, but perhaps not entirely necessary.

    Then it derails. Life taking a new turn is a given; if that didn’t happen there wouldn’t be a story. Too vague. Gotta tell us what happens, why it’s interesting.

    Trio of clones with animalistic features…so there’s three animals after him? Cat people? Werewolves? Furries? What are we talking about here? Be more specific and be clear.

    Nobody begins to do anything…they’re either doing it or they’re not. You have a verb — stalk — use that. But you have to tell us why, or we don’t understand what the story is going to be. Also, “trio” is a singular noun, even though it describes multiple entities, therefore it should have been “trio of clones…begins to stalk him.” But that doesn’t matter since you should take out any form of “begin.”

    How is this enough of a conflict for a feature? Some stray animal folk follow this guy home? That’s like two scenes. What is the story about? Summarize the entire first half of the script up to the midpoint. Give us the protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes.

    “A lonely street mime must shut down a secret government laboratory after three escaped cat-human hybrids follow him home.”

    I’m sure THAT isn’t your story but it is A story, and the premise is clear. That’s what your logline needs to be.

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  3. Posted: February 25, 2020In: Thriller

    Logline: A man marries the woman he drugged and date raped. His journey to get help leaves a trail discovered by her twin sister that forces his wife to make a decision between her husband and her family.

    captainryannn Penpusher
    Added an answer on February 25, 2020 at 10:10 am

    Hard to tell who the protagonist is here. If it's the husband, I would maybe consider including something within the logline that might make him redeemable. The "Make a decision" part is a little vague and could use a bit more specifics to establish clear stakes.

    Hard to tell who the protagonist is here. If it’s the husband, I would maybe consider including something within the logline that might make him redeemable. The “Make a decision” part is a little vague and could use a bit more specifics to establish clear stakes.

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