1. Posted: February 11, 2020In:

    After losing her pilot training scholarship, a dorky girl joins forces with a group of air hostesses to help them smuggle blood diamonds from Sierra Leone.

    CraigDGriffiths Uberwriter

    The story has little to do with her losing the scholarship. That could be a single line of dialogue.   To fund her tuition to become a pilot a girl teams with a group of hostesses to smuggle diamonds but .... forcing them to .....

    The story has little to do with her losing the scholarship. That could be a single line of dialogue.

     

    To fund her tuition to become a pilot a girl teams with a group of hostesses to smuggle diamonds but …. forcing them to …..

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  2. Posted: February 10, 2020In:

    Set against the Sierra Nevada foothills of the Gold Rush era where newly dominant white settlers rule, a young Mexican woman discovers she comes from a line of rebels led by folk-hero outlaw Joaquin Murieta. Nurtured by a cross-dressing Chinese madam and fueled by the unfair murder of her family, she recruits a wild bunch of female warriors to plot one of the most audacious rebellions the new state of California has ever seen.

    dpg Singularity

    Question 1:? Have the recruits likewise suffered the loss of family members??? IOW: what's their motivation?? What drives them to violence, to such extreme measures?? What is their personal stake??The various iterations of "Robin Hood" come to mind.? Robin is able to rally the peasants to fight theRead more

    Question 1:? Have the recruits likewise suffered the loss of family members??? IOW: what’s their motivation?? What drives them to violence, to such extreme measures?? What is their personal stake??

    The various iterations of “Robin Hood” come to mind.? Robin is able to rally the peasants to fight the barons (personified by the nefarious sheriff of Nottingham) because they have suffered injustices like he has.? They aren’t going to join him just because he can make a fiery speech, or because he’s handsome and radiates personal magnetism.? They are only going to risk their lives because they have skin in the game.?

    Question 2: “begins the most audacious rebellion…”? Well, other than avenging the murder of her family, what does that specifically entail?? Lead a retrocession movement to return California to Mexico?? Fight for independence from both the U.S. and Mexico?? Become bandidas stealing gold from the prospectors?

    I can visualize a number of dramatic possibilities here — and that’s good.? A logline is working when it fires up the imagination of readers.? But I suggest the story hook needs to be further baited with a little more specific detail.

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  3. Posted: February 10, 2020In:

    When her husband takes a sabbatical from his family, and her children are placed in therapy, she struggles at parenting.

    dpg Singularity

    The designated genre is "Coming of Age".? This tag? indicates that the narrative will be framed from the pov of one of the children.? That the protagonist will be one of the children.? But the logline is framed from the pov of the wife. So who owns the story?? Who is in the driver's seat of the plotRead more

    The designated genre is “Coming of Age”.? This tag? indicates that the narrative will be framed from the pov of one of the children.? That the protagonist will be one of the children.? But the logline is framed from the pov of the wife.

    So who owns the story?? Who is in the driver’s seat of the plot?? Who is the protagonist?

     

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