1. Posted: November 15, 2019In:

    Waking up in a mansion filled with vampires, two detectives must work their way through four floors to save a missing girl ? and get out alive.

    Richiev Singularity

    I think this tells it all. I understand the story and the goal of the two leads and the monster in the house scenario. If you make any changes to this logline, make sure they are small  

    I think this tells it all. I understand the story and the goal of the two leads and the monster in the house scenario.

    If you make any changes to this logline, make sure they are small

     

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  2. Posted: November 14, 2019In:

    When two incompetent crews try to rob her bank at the same time, an ambitious bank manager must play one against the other to buy time and save the money.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    Great suggestion from DPG. The only thing I can add is that the bank manager seems unrelated to the plot. In other words, if you were to replace her with any other manager the story would stay the same. This means that the plot isn't inherently an extension of her flaw and character. Perhaps it woulRead more

    Great suggestion from DPG.

    The only thing I can add is that the bank manager seems unrelated to the plot. In other words, if you were to replace her with any other manager the story would stay the same. This means that the plot isn’t inherently an extension of her flaw and character. Perhaps it would be better to describe her as a genuinely flawed character and make the premise a result of this flaw.

    What if she was the security guard or head of security at the bank, and it’s her lack of professionalism or laziness that allows the robbers to break-in.

     

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  3. Posted: November 15, 2019In:

    When two bickering sisters inherit their grandmother?s precious doll collection, they get more than they bargain for with a house horde of dolls, and a demonic entity threatening their life.

    Neer Shelter Singularity

    There are a few descriptions that often pop up in loglines, one of these is; "...get more than they bargained for..." In case you're wondering, another example would be; "...his/her world falls apart..." The point is that these are a perfectly generic description, and by nature add very little to aRead more

    There are a few descriptions that often pop up in loglines, one of these is; “…get more than they bargained for…”

    In case you’re wondering, another example would be; “…his/her world falls apart…”

    The point is that these are a perfectly generic description, and by nature add very little to a logline. Since word real estate is at a premium in loglines, you’d be better of using descriptions that contribute to a clearer understanding of the plot.

    Also, it sounds as if the inciting event is the demon appearing, not the inheritance. To that matter, their goal would be vanquishing the demon, which needs to me specified in the logline. Just saying that the demon threatens their lives is an implication that they’ll have to defeat the demon, but it’s not a clear definition of a goal.

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