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An ex-con sets out to kill the reformed paedophile who he believes murdered his child, only to fall for the man’s protective sister.
Some of my comments on your previous version are now rendered redundant hahaha! What happens after he falls for the sister? What's his new goal? Like I mentioned in the previous version of this logline, is the relationship with the sister the A-story or the B-story? Maybe something like (from the MPRead more
Some of my comments on your previous version are now rendered redundant hahaha!
What happens after he falls for the sister? What’s his new goal? Like I mentioned in the previous version of this logline, is the relationship with the sister the A-story or the B-story?
Maybe something like (from the MPR):
but when he discovers the real truth the ex-con must protect the sex offender from a community that despises him.
My attempt isn’t perfect by any stretch … but I think since the story is primarily about the two convicts (which I think is great) it’s important to keep that front and centre.
See lessAn ex-con, tries to move on with his life, but his life is turned upside down when he falls for the sister of a reformed paedophile.
I think every writer struggles to let go of an idea sometimes. It goes with the territory - nobody likes someone to criticise their child. Good luck with it! There's definitely a story in here though. I wonder if the relationship with the sister is the B-story or if that's the main story... if it'sRead more
I think every writer struggles to let go of an idea sometimes. It goes with the territory – nobody likes someone to criticise their child.
Good luck with it! There’s definitely a story in here though. I wonder if the relationship with the sister is the B-story or if that’s the main story… if it’s the B-story it shouldn’t be in the logline, but if it’s the main story it should. It’s a tricky one…
I would consider giving the ex-con a personal motive rather than he just doesn’t like paedophiles. At the end of the day, you said the guy next door was a reformed paedophile and he’s an ex-con who is trying to go straight… they’re incredibly similar (which I think is great!). BUT people who are trying to stay straight (not to mention you didn’t say he was convicted for murder) don’t just plan to kill someone without motive. I think it’ll be hard to justify this act unless you have something that makes us truly despise the paedo next door. The problem is, at that point, the ending you have planned – the ex-con protecting the paedo – you will need to do a lot of work to get the audience back on the paedo’s side.
Could you make the ex-con a former abuse victim? He despises the guy next door because of his history, but we discover (through the romantic relationship with the sister) that it wasn’t quite as black and white as that. That the paedo was 17 and his 15 year old girlfriend accused him of rape which led to him being on the sex offenders register? I don’t know… I’m just spitballing.
To me, the bottom line is that we have to sympathise with the paedophile and I think it’s really important that something that makes us sympathise with him comes across in the logline. I actually wonder if the paedophile is the more interesting character here?
Hope this collection of ramblings is useful in some way hahaha.
See lessAfter the fall of the Monster Hunters Union brought on by the people they wronged, it is a time when human worth is determined by the strength of the monster they have ownership over.
In a story, you have a lead character Something happens to that lead character This causes the lead character to have a goal. However, achieving that goal isn't easy because something stands in the lead character's way. Who is the lead character? What do they want? What is standing in their way?
In a story, you have a lead character
Something happens to that lead character
This causes the lead character to have a goal.
However, achieving that goal isn’t easy because something stands in the lead character’s way.
Who is the lead character?
What do they want?
What is standing in their way?
See less