1. Posted: October 14, 2019In:

    (REVISION #5) England 1963. When a na?ve teenager launches a singing career with her sister, she is overwhelmed by the seductive excesses of the Rock?n Roll lifestyle. She falls in love, loses her virginity, finds out her boyfriend is married, gets drunk, has revenge sex, ends up pregnant and has to make a difficult decision that will change her life forever.

    yqwertz Mentor

    As in your previous loglines, most of what you have here is setting. Only at the end do we find an inciting incident that might drive the rest of the story. In other words, what happens after the singer becomes pregnant? Note, however, you should not end a logline with a decision, rather tell us whaRead more

    As in your previous loglines, most of what you have here is setting. Only at the end do we find an inciting incident that might drive the rest of the story. In other words, what happens after the singer becomes pregnant? Note, however, you should not end a logline with a decision, rather tell us what decision the MC made and what comes next.

    Here are a couple of examples of where you should aim:

    When a rowdy singer in a rock band becomes pregnant, she must learn to keep her mother role separate from the bad-girl role she projects on stage.

    After the lead singer in a 1960’s band succumbs to pressure from the other band members to have an illegal abortion, she is left a cripple and must learn to sing from a wheel chair.

     

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  2. Posted: October 10, 2019In:

    When her mother is convicted as a paedophile, a 16-year-old girl struggles with therapy, high-school, and an overnight change in how she is seen by society as she seeks to be legally emancipated.

    dpg Singularity

    ?An interesting premise, but... mess it up, really mess it up.? Go deeper.Have her mother make a "Mrs. Robinson" move on her boyfriend (or at least the boy she has a crush on.)And her mother is not only arrested but also pregnant.? The minor whom she seduced is the father.fwiw

    ?An interesting premise, but… mess it up, really mess it up.? Go deeper.

    Have her mother make a “Mrs. Robinson” move on her boyfriend (or at least the boy she has a crush on.)

    And her mother is not only arrested but also pregnant.? The minor whom she seduced is the father.

    fwiw

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  3. Posted: October 11, 2019In:

    Two bitterly-divorced CDC epidemiologists are called to investigate a disease outbreak at a mountain resort and uncover a government conspiracy that they must stop in order to survive.

    Scott Danzig Samurai

    I think I'm fine with the logline, except that I would expect the word "survive" to apply to the disease.? There needs to be more of a reason for them to want to stop the government conspiracy.? Is the conspiracy to spread the disease and kill them and other people?? Is the government planning sometRead more

    I think I’m fine with the logline, except that I would expect the word “survive” to apply to the disease.? There needs to be more of a reason for them to want to stop the government conspiracy.? Is the conspiracy to spread the disease and kill them and other people?? Is the government planning something? that they want to keep under wraps and they want to kill these epidemiologists? (likely by exposing them to the disease… but maybe just shooting them) to silence them?? I’m assuming this government conspiracy is related to the disease, but the way the logline is written, it doesn’t have to be.? (although it probably should be)

    I read your latest revision, in response to Mike’s comment, and actually, that one excites me more.? ?I find generalizing about conspiracies to be boring, actually.? I love the “leading mismatched survivors” concept, and the fact that the scientist isn’t a natural leader.? Uniting is a part of leading though, so I’d just write “must learn to lead”.? ?Sadly, in today’s day and age, I think the phrase “transform its victims into deadly drones” is going to make people think about humans being transformed into those little flying robot drones that are popular today, so maybe I’d switch out that word if you can think of something better… but otherwise, yeah, I’d say you’ve got a winner there.

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