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During the Egyptian Unification War, a hybrid must fulfill his destiny; but when a corpse awakes, he must discover the human soul to become the god of the dead Anubis.
OK, there is a lot of house cleaning you must do here. 1. The Egyptian Unification War is not an event that everybody has in their minds. At first, I was looking for a 20th century event. Hey, I am not a historian, but neither are lots of people. It would be enough to just mention ancient Egypt. 2.Read more
OK, there is a lot of house cleaning you must do here.
1. The Egyptian Unification War is not an event that everybody has in their minds. At first, I was looking for a 20th century event. Hey, I am not a historian, but neither are lots of people. It would be enough to just mention ancient Egypt.
2. What is a hybrid?!? I mean, what is a hybrid in your story?
3. “…must fulfill his destiny…” is too generic to mean anything. In a sense, there is a destiny for everyone of us to fulfill. This sentence is just dead weight.
4. “… when a corpse awakens…” is also inadequate. Whose corpse is it? Is it a king’s mummy? And why is this the inciting incident? What relation does the protagonist have with the dead person?
5. “… he must discover the human soul…” again means nothing specific. Each person has a soul, don’t we agree in this? Which human soul must he discover?
6. “… to become Anubis.” By the end of this logline, I don’t care what the protagonist’s goal is, because I haven’t engaged at all.
(By the way, it took me 3?4 reads to understand it’s supposed to mean “the good of the dead [COMMA] Anubis” and not “the good of the [dead Anubis].” Punctuation matters. It’s better if you write it “Anubis, the God of the Dead.”
In general, this logline is a patchwork of different parts that don’t make much sense. Find the organic relationship between them and let us hear the story in a few words.
See lessWhen her mother is brutally murdered, a family woman must find out who her mother was, in order to uncover what happened; but when a cult from her mother’s secret past starts to infiltrate her life , she must Mary and her family must escape indoctrination or risk becoming victims themselves.
What is the backstory here? How far back was the "secret past?" How old was her mother when she left the cult? Did she have her daughter while in the cult? Does the daughter have memories from being in the cult? I am asking because I don't see why the cult would kill the mother 30 years later or morRead more
What is the backstory here? How far back was the “secret past?” How old was her mother when she left the cult? Did she have her daughter while in the cult? Does the daughter have memories from being in the cult?
I am asking because I don’t see why the cult would kill the mother 30 years later or more, by the time she has become a grandmother. Why the wait?
The logline is very long as it is. I suggest:
“When her mother is brutally murdered, a religious single mum must find the killers, to save her own daughter from sacrifice by an ancient cult.”
I obviously took some liberties with character traits and details, but we need to see some specifics, so swap them for whatever works for you.
I put “single mother” instead of “family woman,” because it makes her position even worse, being all alone against the enemy. If you have a plan for her husband to help or impede her, ignore the suggestion.
See lessWhen a talented teenage pianist wins a scholarship to Julliard, he must convince his parents, outlaw militant radicals, to let him come out of hiding and join the normal world.
It's established in Act 1 of the movie, that he has a practice board and that his mother taught him the piano.??? Every time they move, they assume a new identities and blend into the local community.? The protagonist and his brother attend public schools. (The movie is set in the 80's when homeschoRead more
It’s established in Act 1 of the movie, that he has a practice board and that his mother taught him the piano.??? Every time they move, they assume a new identities and blend into the local community.? The protagonist and his brother attend public schools. (The movie is set in the 80’s when homeschooling was not a popular option.? In fact, at that time, it was still wasn’t legal in most states.)
The fictional world of the movie, that? his parents were militant activists in the 60’s resonated with the zeitgeist of the 80’s, when militant activists of the 60’s were mellowing out as they entered middle age, had families, bought property;? they wanted to live normal lives.? But there were still some –like the protagonist’s parents– who were still true believers in their radical ideas and who had to hide out because of lawless deeds for which they could still be arrested and go to prison.
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