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Five saviours of Earth are tested when strange, celestial fighters, now in their ultimate forms after taking twelve-hundred years to hatch from eggs, declare to destroy the Galaxy for the murder of their sibling.
If they're already saviours, how is anything much of a test or challenge? Heroes need to struggle or the battle is meaningless. It has to be possible for them to lose, yet find a way to win. And are they the ones who killed the sibling? Doesn't sound very saviour-like. If it wasn't them, who was it?Read more
If they’re already saviours, how is anything much of a test or challenge? Heroes need to struggle or the battle is meaningless. It has to be possible for them to lose, yet find a way to win. And are they the ones who killed the sibling? Doesn’t sound very saviour-like. If it wasn’t them, who was it? Why are they not part of this story? Or are they part of this story and it just hasn’t been mentioned here? Sometimes too much information creates questions based on a need for comprehension rather than interest.
Too many commas. Make it simple and straightforward: protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes. Don’t weigh it down with unnecessary details or descriptions, like the bad guys being strange or 1200 years old or hatched from eggs. Nobody needs to know that yet. Just provide the basics. One adjective usually works.
“Five super-powered Earthlings must save the galaxy from ancient celestial warriors out for revenge.”
Maybe a little too short and not enough detail, but the four basic needs are there, and it encourages people to read more — like a summary or synopsis or even the script — to find out what happens and why. It makes people want to know: what powers do the humans have? What are these celestial beings like, how do they fight? Revenge for what? It doesn’t say, but it’s intriguing without being unclear.
See lessWhen a man sets out to destroy the family that destroyed his, he ends up falling for the ingenue daughter.
Never start a logline with When. Start with the protagonist, then provide the antagonist, conflict, & stakes. Avoid commas. 25-30 words max, the shorter the better. No vague notions -- be specific about who the characters are and what they want/need to do. Try not to repeat words, such as "destrRead more
Never start a logline with When. Start with the protagonist, then provide the antagonist, conflict, & stakes. Avoid commas. 25-30 words max, the shorter the better. No vague notions — be specific about who the characters are and what they want/need to do.
Try not to repeat words, such as “destroy.” Not only is it already unclear what this means or what it involves, but the redundant use makes the entire storyline more vague. Also unclear: saying he falls for “the” daughter…of the other family? Why? How? Why is this a problem? What was the problem in the first place?
A logline shouldn’t force questions just to comprehend the story. It should make people interested in reading more.
See lessA family of four moves into a house in a small town only to find out the house takes people when it takes one of the children. the family has to do all they can to save their child.
A family of four may be main characters but they're not a protagonist; single someone out and define them in some way. Make it clear what happens, what the stakes are, what has to be done, and do it in one sentence.
A family of four may be main characters but they’re not a protagonist; single someone out and define them in some way. Make it clear what happens, what the stakes are, what has to be done, and do it in one sentence.
See less