1. Posted: September 4, 2019In:

    A NASA space drone pilot discovers a mysterious wormhole in space that could lead to preventing the deaths of his family three years previously.

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai

    Richiev:When he discovers a wormhole in space that could prevent the deaths of his family three years prior, a NASA drone pilot must? (Then tell us what he does about it)I agree with Richiev. You miss the 3rd element of the logline, the ACTION (see the formula, here).CHARACTER: a NASA drone pilot.EVRead more

    Richiev:

    When he discovers a wormhole in space that could prevent the deaths of his family three years prior, a NASA drone pilot must? (Then tell us what he does about it)

    I agree with Richiev. You miss the 3rd element of the logline, the ACTION (see the formula, here).

    CHARACTER: a NASA drone pilot.
    EVENT: He discovers a wormhole.
    ACTION: He has to send the drone into the hole.

    Wait, what? Why is he a drone pilot? Major McConaughey must get his own ass in the hole. Otherwise what is the big deal about this movie’s action?

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  2. Posted: September 6, 2019In:

    Unable to come to terms with her stillbirth, a desperate doula fakes a pregnancy and kidnaps an expectant be mother to steal her baby. Can she kill her or let her go, risking everything.

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai

    I second what dpg suggests. Flipping the roles of the prot- and the antagonist creates enoughempathy to follow the chilling story. Making the pregnant woman an illegal immigrant puts her in even more jeopardy and pressure (even before the psychokiller arrives). Plus, it can create an extra level ifRead more

    I second what dpg suggests. Flipping the roles of the prot- and the antagonist creates enoughempathy to follow the chilling story. Making the pregnant woman an illegal immigrant puts her in even more jeopardy and pressure (even before the psychokiller arrives). Plus, it can create an extra level if social commentary.

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  3. Posted: September 6, 2019In:

    A young man with electric superpowers must find the balance of good and evil within himself before a villain sends humanity back to the Dark Ages.

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai

    OK, I get it. I first read the later log line on the same story, and now I'm reading this previous version. Your problem is trying to avoid writing a specific ACTION. (As in EVENT, CHARACTER, ACTION, The holy trinity of the log line, as described in the formula page on this website.) So, as others bRead more

    OK, I get it. I first read the later log line on the same story, and now I’m reading this previous version.

    Your problem is trying to avoid writing a specific ACTION. (As in EVENT, CHARACTER, ACTION, The holy trinity of the log line, as described in the formula page on this website.)

    So, as others before me have advised you, you have to write a specific outer motivation: defeating the villain.

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