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When the black sleek sports car of a tall dark handsome accountant creates a sensation, he begins to find ways of taking the girl next door on a first date.
This logline is confusing. On first read, my first thought was, how can a sports car take out the girl next door on a date? Is the car like Knight Rider? However, after reading it a couple of times I realized it is the accountant who takes the girl next door out. Also, "...He begins to find ways ofRead more
This logline is confusing. On first read, my first thought was, how can a sports car take out the girl next door on a date? Is the car like Knight Rider?
However, after reading it a couple of times I realized it is the accountant who takes the girl next door out.
Also, “…He begins to find ways of taking out the girl next door on a first date.”
As a general rule, don’t use the word begins in a logline.
But mostly this line is a bit clunky.
Finally, I am not sure from your logline, whether the story is about the first date.
Or does the story end when she finally says yes?
There is a story here, but I would take another pass at the logline.
See less————
“When his sleek black sports car creates a sensation, a tall dark handsome accountant takes the leap and finally asks the girl next door out on a date.”
The door of the gallery opens wide and the young woman without looking around walks straight into the hall towards the man with a gloomy face. It is not expected, but they meet right here, in one of the most important galleries in the world. Who would have thought about it twenty years ago in a small town train station when they saw each other for the last time.
You are describing a scene. But a logline is a one-sentence synopsis of the plot. A logline will most likely have 1: A Lead character 2: An inciting incident 3: A goal 4: And Conflict (something standing in the way of the goal) All in about 25 to 30 words Can there be exceptions, yes Can you occasioRead more
You are describing a scene.
But a logline is a one-sentence synopsis of the plot.
A logline will most likely have
1: A Lead character
2: An inciting incident
3: A goal
4: And Conflict (something standing in the way of the goal)
All in about 25 to 30 words
Can there be exceptions, yes
See lessCan you occasionally break the rules, yes
But for the most part, you are giving the reader enough information to visualize the plot, without giving away the ending.
A drunken night leaves a young man to decipher his feelings for his best friend before their time together runs out.
Most loglines hint at what the inciting incident is and who the enemy is, but this doesn't seem to have that. Unless time is their enemy, but I'm wondering why their time together is running out? Is the best friend going away? Dying? I think that would help. Is there a better descriptor besides younRead more
Most loglines hint at what the inciting incident is and who the enemy is, but this doesn’t seem to have that. Unless time is their enemy, but I’m wondering why their time together is running out? Is the best friend going away? Dying? I think that would help.
See lessIs there a better descriptor besides young man? And for that matter best friend? Is there a sense of irony? Is he wild and she’s tame or vice versa?
It sounds like a fun romance, but besides working out their feelings, is there something else they do on this night? Are they going to White Castle? Kidding, but really, it would help to hint what makes this different from other “it happened one night” stories. And you have room for more detail as this is a very sparse logline.
I hope my comments help.