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In the final stages of war between three factions, an incredible warrior and huntsman is called upon birth to secure, protect and adapt a defenseless faction called Avagon whilst ensuring their victory and survival.
Read this out loud a few times and then you can hear how it lacks flow. I don't like the term: "final stages of war" at all. Why are the three factions worth mentioning at this time? If Avagon is defenseless then lose "their victory" because they aren't fighting to begin with. A defenseless factionRead more
Read this out loud a few times and then you can hear how it lacks flow. I don’t like the term: “final stages of war” at all. Why are the three factions worth mentioning at this time? If Avagon is defenseless then lose “their victory” because they aren’t fighting to begin with.
A defenseless faction calls upon a warrior and a huntsman to defend their existence from… (whatever the threat is).
See lessA flawed, discarded Android rises from a salvage heap to battle a powerful Federation of Androids bent on the extermination of the human race.
An "obsolete android" may read better, yet isn't really unique. I would also recommend dropping "a powerful federation of androids" since we already mention android once already, and then replacing this antagonistic force with a different adjective. Would need to know more about the story to suggestRead more
An “obsolete android” may read better, yet isn’t really unique. I would also recommend dropping “a powerful federation of androids” since we already mention android once already, and then replacing this antagonistic force with a different adjective. Would need to know more about the story to suggest one, however.
See lessAfter aliens attack a process is created that bestow superpowers to soldiers but at the cost of giving them a four-year lifespan. When an enhanced man learns of a new pending offensive and a secret that may end the war forever he must fight his way back from behind enemy lines or humanity will fall.
The first sentence in the logline can be cut, it's not a part of the plot and only describes the back story. That could perhaps make for a good origin story but should not cloud the current plot. Secondly, consistency in your descriptions is important, if he is a soldier then describe him as such thRead more
The first sentence in the logline can be cut, it’s not a part of the plot and only describes the back story. That could perhaps make for a good origin story but should not cloud the current plot.
Secondly, consistency in your descriptions is important, if he is a soldier then describe him as such throughout. I also find the description “…doomsday device…” funny, it’s something I’d expect Austen Powers to go after. Can you be more specific with the weapon’s description? Perhaps a biochemical toxin or a pandemic causing something or other.
For example:
See lessAfter discovering an alien pandemic causing weapon threatening humanity an enhanced soldier must destroy it before the process that gave him his powers kills him.