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A flawed, discarded Android rises from a salvage heap to battle a powerful Federation of Androids bent on the extermination of the human race.
An "obsolete android" may read better, yet isn't really unique. I would also recommend dropping "a powerful federation of androids" since we already mention android once already, and then replacing this antagonistic force with a different adjective. Would need to know more about the story to suggestRead more
An “obsolete android” may read better, yet isn’t really unique. I would also recommend dropping “a powerful federation of androids” since we already mention android once already, and then replacing this antagonistic force with a different adjective. Would need to know more about the story to suggest one, however.
See lessAfter aliens attack a process is created that bestow superpowers to soldiers but at the cost of giving them a four-year lifespan. When an enhanced man learns of a new pending offensive and a secret that may end the war forever he must fight his way back from behind enemy lines or humanity will fall.
The first sentence in the logline can be cut, it's not a part of the plot and only describes the back story. That could perhaps make for a good origin story but should not cloud the current plot. Secondly, consistency in your descriptions is important, if he is a soldier then describe him as such thRead more
The first sentence in the logline can be cut, it’s not a part of the plot and only describes the back story. That could perhaps make for a good origin story but should not cloud the current plot.
Secondly, consistency in your descriptions is important, if he is a soldier then describe him as such throughout. I also find the description “…doomsday device…” funny, it’s something I’d expect Austen Powers to go after. Can you be more specific with the weapon’s description? Perhaps a biochemical toxin or a pandemic causing something or other.
For example:
See lessAfter discovering an alien pandemic causing weapon threatening humanity an enhanced soldier must destroy it before the process that gave him his powers kills him.
Update: When a night of UFO watching goes terribly wrong, a 12-year-old aspiring astronaut makes contact in a way she never expected. (SciFi/Family)
I am somewhat hooked because I would be interested in a story about a 12 year old aspiring astronaut, but 'goes horribly wrong' doesn't really tell me much about the inciting incident, and 'makes contact in a way she never expected' - is this about alien contact or something completely different? ?ARead more
I am somewhat hooked because I would be interested in a story about a 12 year old aspiring astronaut, but ‘goes horribly wrong’ doesn’t really tell me much about the inciting incident, and ‘makes contact in a way she never expected’ – is this about alien contact or something completely different? ?As you say it’s Scifi/ family then I assume there will be aliens of some sort but I feel we need to know something of major importance happens, for the girl. ?eg ‘she must bridge the gulf between earth dwellers and aliens’ ? ‘she is the only one who can prevent a catastrophic point of contact’ ?’she must take a journey beyond her wildest dreams’ … I don’t know but I expect her to be more that a bystander to a monumentous event, somewhat dependent on what went horribly wrong in the first place. ? ? I’m sure this could be a great story, and more than just a short.
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