1. Posted: March 11, 2016In:

    Driven by the loss of his family to terrorism, the creator of pre-birth screening is led on a journey to discover the brave new world he thought he created just might be the nightmare he rallied against in his youth.

    dpg Singularity

    I love irony,??especially stories entailing?the irony of unintended consequences, ?so I am intrigued by the notion that "the future ?he helped create?is?the nightmare he rallied against in his youth."Unfortunately,? the ?statement is vague.? There may be the seed of a good story here, but it seems?bRead more

    I love irony,??especially stories entailing?the irony of unintended consequences, ?so I am intrigued by the notion that “the future ?he helped create?is?the nightmare he rallied against in his youth.”

    Unfortunately,? the ?statement is vague.? There may be the seed of a good story here, but it seems?buried in generalities.??It’s doesn’t tell me specifically what the future nightmare is.? I?And I don’t see?the causal links between?the elements of terrorism?,?the future nightmare,? and pre-birth screening in the logline.? And plotting is all about creating a cause-and-effect links.

    As FFF said, what?logline readers in? the industry are looking for is a clearly defined inciting incident, a specific objective goal and a clearly identified antagonist and/or problem.

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  2. Posted: March 9, 2016In:

    An afflicted paleontologist joins a research crew on a mission to a Jovian moon to recover an ancient fossil that may cure her disease but must escape after discovering the relic can transform them into terrifying creatures.

    dpg Singularity

    As FFF said, the logline is juggling too many balls. And about fossils being?used to cure diseases.? If it were SOP on earth to vet fossils?for medical uses as well as mount them in museums, ?there would be no problem with that plot point.? But I am not aware -- is anyone? aware? -- that?fossils areRead more

    As FFF said, the logline is juggling too many balls.

    And about fossils being?used to cure diseases.? If it were SOP on earth to vet fossils?for medical uses as well as mount them in museums, ?there would be no problem with that plot point.? But I am not aware — is anyone? aware? — that?fossils are routinely tested for medical properties.

    Or ever tested or used for modern medical purposes.

    So why would they want to use this fossil to cure disease?? How would they even know or suspect or hope?it might be a cure?

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  3. Posted: March 8, 2016In:

    An intrepid paleontologist battles deadly beasts on a Jovian moon after being hired by the U.S. government to join an interstellar crew to study an uncovered ancient fossil.

    dpg Singularity

    >>?they discover the relic?s ability to morph them into terrifying creaturesMorph the crew into terrifying creatures?And if so, then what must the paleontologist do about it -- what becomes the protagonist's objective goal as a result of this development?? The logline sets up a problem, but doRead more

    >>?they discover the relic?s ability to morph them into terrifying creatures

    Morph the crew into terrifying creatures?

    And if so, then what must the paleontologist do about it — what becomes the protagonist’s objective goal as a result of this development?? The logline sets up a problem, but doesn’t state what the protagonist must do about it.

    Also, how would they know?a fossil might cure disease??There would have to be an egregious violation of quarantine and containment procedures (as in “Alien”).? Okay, but before that you have to establish that it’s now?sop to do trial tests?for the medicinal properties of ?fossils.

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