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In a futuristic Utopian city, built up in the sky, no form of institution like religion, nationality, marriage exists. It is strictly illegal for any couple to stay together for more than 3 months. A young couple almost end of their 3 months tenure found it impossible to part away and decided to flee down back to the old earth, a place only existed in their history books and which nobody has traveled from the city for last two centuries.
Yes these details should, nay MUST, be in the logline. The main characters need a strong inciting incident to motivate them to pursue a clear goal. Secondly, if indeed there will be a revolution will the couple lead it together? This would be a good and ambitious goal for them to pursue it also giveRead more
Yes these details should, nay MUST, be in the logline.
The main characters need a strong inciting incident to motivate them to pursue a clear goal.
Secondly, if indeed there will be a revolution will the couple lead it together? This would be a good and ambitious goal for them to pursue it also gives them a a nobler cause to fight for the greater good than there own self interest.
See lessRio, a waitress in a small Texas town, graduated high school last week, survived being burned alive yesterday and today discovered the reason why. She is descended from Quetzalcoatl, Aztec god of Light and Knowledge and their bloodline has been hunted by rival god, Tezcatlipoca, Aztec god of War and his descendants for millennia. After learning more about her lineage, Rio decides to take the fight to the enemy and make the hunters the prey.
I think that the waitress's "maintenance"?objective goal of trying to stay alive?is good enough.? What greater personal objective goal can one fight for than one's own?life? And there's another factor.? If she's a descendant of an Aztec god, surely part of her genetic inheritance would be the god'sRead more
I think that the waitress’s “maintenance”?objective goal of trying to stay alive?is good enough.? What greater personal objective goal can one fight for than one’s own?life?
And there’s another factor.? If she’s a descendant of an Aztec god, surely part of her genetic inheritance would be the god’s particular powers.? Which, it seems to me, ?she must learn to harness for the battle.? Yeah, echoes of Luke Skywalker and the Force, but this story?seem to be hero’s journey? similar? to that? lucrative franchise.? (Which is why I said earlier that?I think this could be an origin story setting up a franchise.)
So something like:
After a Latina waitress discovers she’s descended from a legendary?Aztec god, she must? develop?the powers she has inherited to?defeat rival gods?who have vowed to kill her.
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2012 has come and gone. A young woman discovers she?s descended from Aztec gods and joins the centuries-old fight between rival gods and their descendants for the preservation of her bloodline and the world.
The latest draft is a general description of vague actions, not a plot.The subject matter and genre have a lot of potential and the premise a wealth of visual spectacle worthy of block buster production values. However, the story is still unclear and lacks the necessary elements to generate a compelRead more
The latest draft is a general description of vague actions, not a plot.
The subject matter and genre have a lot of potential and the premise a wealth of visual spectacle worthy of block buster production values. However, the story is still unclear and lacks the necessary elements to generate a compelling journey.
Don’t get me wrong you may have already come up with it all, but it ain’t comin across in the logline.
As DPG said, ditch the period reference as it is an extraneous addition which clogs up the read. Then focus on your main character, “…young woman…” just don’t cut it… there are many young women out there, in what way does this describe her unique qualities? Describe what she does for a living and what her flaw is. These will help you direct the reader to understand the type of person she is and what her inner journey will be. It’s these elements that will make her story interesting once engulfed by fast moving VFX shots and chase sequences.
“…discovers she?s descended from Aztec gods…” implies that something out of the ordinary happened which illuminated her to her family’s origin. This means that her discovery of her blood line is as a result of the inciting incident, what is the inciting incident? Specify the event that made her realize who and what she is. Don’t just brush over this event with a token technicality make it significant, one that would motivate her to join a centuries old fight. Maybe she was the sole survivor of a horrible plain crash in which she lost her entire family or all her friends, the crash could have been caused by an evil Aztec god and so she wants revenge but learns to let go of her anger and becomes the champion of the good gods.
Lastly and most importantly give her a good goal. It may be to kill the Zeus like leader of the bad gods or destroy an artifact their all after, what ever it is, it should be specified in the logline. With out this goal the logline doesn’t actually describe a compelling plot.
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