1. Posted: July 20, 2020In:

    After cyborgs invade their planet, a cyborg hunter and his crew must stop them from destroying the human race.

    Scott Danzig Samurai

    Finds himself is an ambiguous inciting incident. Maybe something like “crash-lands in” or “gets stranded on”... then you need to add some connection between his presence and the invasion. Maybe a logline like this: When a cyborg hunter crash-lands on a cyborg planet, he learns of their plan to invadRead more

    Finds himself is an ambiguous inciting incident. Maybe something like “crash-lands in” or “gets stranded on”… then you need to add some connection between his presence and the invasion. Maybe a logline like this:

    When a cyborg hunter crash-lands on a cyborg planet, he learns of their plan to invade his home world and must find a way to stop them.

    You could also try to make it so he inadvertently instigates the war.

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  2. Posted: July 15, 2020In:

    When a successful entomologist and his father, an army reserve, are humiliated by the public because of a new insect display that goes wrong, he must gain respect back for his family while saving his captive father from the greedy military, and uncover the secrets behind the mysterious weaponized insect before humans become the endangered species.

    Scott Danzig Samurai

    The things that stand out to me... "humiliated by the public because of a new insect display that goes wrong" seems like a rather obscure way for a whole family to lose respect, and I kind of think you need to say something more convincing rather than "goes wrong". Saying "Jurassic Park" went wrongRead more

    The things that stand out to me…

    “humiliated by the public because of a new insect display that goes wrong” seems like a rather obscure way for a whole family to lose respect, and I kind of think you need to say something more convincing rather than “goes wrong”. Saying “Jurassic Park” went wrong wouldn’t be great either. That logline mentions the dinosaurs running loose. I think your insects aren’t going to fly out of the display, but maybe it turns out to be a hoax, like with a fake insect or something? That could affect respect, at least in the scientific community.

    How did his father get captured? One minute he’s a trained soldier, helping out with some science exhibit, and the next minute he’s been whisked away into a military prison?

    “Greedy military” doesn’t seem right. Maybe power-hungry. However, I think we can get the idea of what the military is like by describing that they’re holding the scientist’s father for friggin’ ransom, trying to get some stash of murder hornets.

    At the end, I think I see the gist of your concept. Entomologist’s research catches the military’s attention, and the scientist doesn’t want his work to be used to kill people. And unlike the movie Real Genius, they’re probably killing a whole lotta people?

    I’d try writing a logline, but I’m just not buying that the military is going to kidnap his father. I can see them just commandeering the research or purchasing it for a heap of cash. A foreign government’s secret agent might do that. But I wouldn’t mention the whole deal with the display going wrong and losing respect. It may be how the military catches wind of the murder hornet research, but I don’t think it adds enough to warrant inclusion in your logline.

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  3. Posted: July 11, 2020In:

    In order to find the real killer, a conscientious rookie detective partners with a pleasure-android, who claims the prime suspect in a murder investigation is innocent.

    Scott Danzig Samurai

    There's no inciting incident here. You do have an interesting pairing, although the fact that it's a pleasure-android really seems like a very random element in an otherwise cookie-cutter crime drama. Maybe give a hint at least about why this rookie would partner with it, and maybe one more word/eleRead more

    There’s no inciting incident here. You do have an interesting pairing, although the fact that it’s a pleasure-android really seems like a very random element in an otherwise cookie-cutter crime drama. Maybe give a hint at least about why this rookie would partner with it, and maybe one more word/element to serve as an allusion to sci-fi.

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