Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
When their creator suddenly passes away, two sentient cyborgs must go against their programming and try to find a family for their creator’s son.
Yup, just read about this sale to Lionsgate. The article mentions the heart of the story: While Jack, Amy (the cyborgs), and Sam (the boy) attempt to blend in among modern suburbia, they hilariously discover that they may actually be the family they have been looking for all along. First take: WhenRead more
Yup, just read about this sale to Lionsgate. The article mentions the heart of the story: While Jack, Amy (the cyborgs), and Sam (the boy) attempt to blend in among modern suburbia, they hilariously discover that they may actually be the family they have been looking for all along.
First take: When their creator passes away, two sentient cyborgs take his son to the suburbs and struggle with an incognito life as they seek a real family for the boy.
See lessIn the aftermath of global economic collapse, two estranged brothers travel to a deadly alien world in a desperate attempt to steal a device that will provide them with wealth and temptation beyond measure.
Some interesting parts. Next attempt...While the stakes will be clearer with other adjustments, why should we care if the brothers die? What's special about them? Are they only out for themselves?Clarify why estranged brothers have to work together. Add an age-range and perhaps something else aboutRead more
Some interesting parts. Next attempt…
While the stakes will be clearer with other adjustments, why should we care if the brothers die? What’s special about them? Are they only out for themselves?
Clarify why estranged brothers have to work together. Add an age-range and perhaps something else about them to paint the picture.
Clarify their goal. Do they want to become masters of the new world order?
If this is the future, say so. If it’s today, offer the general explanation for the alien world and space travel.
What is the device? Specifics are needed to avoid questions of confusion and to create a mental picture. How do they know about it? That sounds like another Inciting Incident. While the backdrop of the collapse is clear, clarify the Incident that sends the brothers on their journey.
It sounds more like greed or being misguided than desperation.
What’s the temptation?
Clarify what is the bulk of the story. Is it time on the alien planet trying to steal the device? Who or what is the antag? Or is most of the story hidden in the word “temptation,” what happens when they return with wealth?
My two cents.
See lessAs dimensional portals bring refugees from an another earth, a disillusioned border agent encounters his alternate-earth daughter and becomes torn between following orders, or protecting an alternate world from annihilation.
One other thought:? I suggest narrowing the focus of his objective goal in the logline to merely saving his daughter.? That has to be the most paramount goal in any parent's mind, right?? ?And it's good enough for plotting purposes.I like to view a plot as a poker game.? Initially, the protagonist oRead more
One other thought:? I suggest narrowing the focus of his objective goal in the logline to merely saving his daughter.? That has to be the most paramount goal in any parent’s mind, right?? ?And it’s good enough for plotting purposes.
I like to view a plot as a poker game.? Initially, the protagonist only has to put in a few chips [risk, effort)]to get into the game.? The major plot points are betting rounds, where he must see and raise, put more and more? and more chips into the pot [escalating risk, effort] to stay in the game.? Ultimately, he will have to push every chip into the pot.
Transposing the poker analogy to your story, it could be that initially he thinks he can rescue his? daughter with a minimum? bet [risk and effort].? (And only his daughter:? not because he’s selfish but because he’s just one man; he doesn’t have the power, the ways and means, to rescue every one.)
Only to discover he has to make bigger bets [risk, effort].? Finally, he realizes that the only way he can save his daughter is to push every chip into the pot [including his life] to incite a rebellion that liberates the others.
fwiw
See less