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Two jaded mercenaries journey to a deadly planet to retrieve a priceless mineral only to learn a massive electromagnetic pulse will soon disable their only means of escape.
Underwood:True, you can't understand the entire story from a logline, but a reader should be able to understand the trajectory of the story, who the main character is and where the story is going (but not where it arrives).So in terms of that criterion your logline is okay .? Although it lacks an exRead more
Underwood:
True, you can’t understand the entire story from a logline, but a reader should be able to understand the trajectory of the story, who the main character is and where the story is going (but not where it arrives).
So in terms of that criterion your logline is okay .? Although it lacks an explicit inciting incident.? So I’m assuming it’s implicit; they’re greedy guys who’ve found a source of a priceless metal and? hope to cash in.
But? in this iteration, that doesn’t concern me so much.? What concerns me is that I don’t see in the logline? an emotional hook,? a good reason why an audience would be curious about the outcome and why they would care about the outcome.?
Why should an audience care about two jaded and greedy guys who seem to be pursuing a McGuffin? for a purely selfish reason?? ?I mean, is that all that matters to them, getting rich off the mineral?? ?Is there a greater good , a higher motivation to their struggle?
See lessWhen their creator suddenly passes away, two sentient cyborgs must go against their programming and try to find a family for their creator’s son.
Yup, just read about this sale to Lionsgate. The article mentions the heart of the story: While Jack, Amy (the cyborgs), and Sam (the boy) attempt to blend in among modern suburbia, they hilariously discover that they may actually be the family they have been looking for all along. First take: WhenRead more
Yup, just read about this sale to Lionsgate. The article mentions the heart of the story: While Jack, Amy (the cyborgs), and Sam (the boy) attempt to blend in among modern suburbia, they hilariously discover that they may actually be the family they have been looking for all along.
First take: When their creator passes away, two sentient cyborgs take his son to the suburbs and struggle with an incognito life as they seek a real family for the boy.
See lessIn the aftermath of global economic collapse, two estranged brothers travel to a deadly alien world in a desperate attempt to steal a device that will provide them with wealth and temptation beyond measure.
Some interesting parts. Next attempt...While the stakes will be clearer with other adjustments, why should we care if the brothers die? What's special about them? Are they only out for themselves?Clarify why estranged brothers have to work together. Add an age-range and perhaps something else aboutRead more
Some interesting parts. Next attempt…
While the stakes will be clearer with other adjustments, why should we care if the brothers die? What’s special about them? Are they only out for themselves?
Clarify why estranged brothers have to work together. Add an age-range and perhaps something else about them to paint the picture.
Clarify their goal. Do they want to become masters of the new world order?
If this is the future, say so. If it’s today, offer the general explanation for the alien world and space travel.
What is the device? Specifics are needed to avoid questions of confusion and to create a mental picture. How do they know about it? That sounds like another Inciting Incident. While the backdrop of the collapse is clear, clarify the Incident that sends the brothers on their journey.
It sounds more like greed or being misguided than desperation.
What’s the temptation?
Clarify what is the bulk of the story. Is it time on the alien planet trying to steal the device? Who or what is the antag? Or is most of the story hidden in the word “temptation,” what happens when they return with wealth?
My two cents.
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