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After 10 years of trying to cure her condition that sends her to a different parallel universe every time she falls asleep, a obsessive girl finds herself returning to an alternate Earth for the first time and must work with an alternate version of her scientist father to discover the secret to controlling her ability in order to return home.
Apathetic? I'm not sure this is the best word to describe a protagonist. This suggests she shows or feels no interest - so why does she care about getting home? I appreciate what you said about home being where you belong, but I think there might be a better word than apathetic. It makes me think ofRead more
Apathetic? I’m not sure this is the best word to describe a protagonist. This suggests she shows or feels no interest – so why does she care about getting home? I appreciate what you said about home being where you belong, but I think there might be a better word than apathetic.
It makes me think of Quantum Leap a lot. He was always searching to get back home and never gave up hope. I think the same needs to be said for her. Currently all the events that have happened to her make her a passive protagonist, she hasn’t had a lot of choice. If you make it so she’s always fought to find her way home, always been proactive, then I think the audience will feel more when she finally does get back home.
I kinda don’t want her to get home until the act II climax. So we see how she’s actively trying to get home and it makes the moment she does that much more powerful. I think it’d be really cool for act I to be her ending up in the first parallel world, act II rejoins her 10 years later, but she’s got like a big book full of clues and information that she’s accumulated, and although she’s weary she’s never stopped fighting and that’s when she finally connects the dots that leads her to something (a macguffin) that enables her to get home at last.
Think it’s a really interesting idea! Looking forward to seeing where it goes.
See lessA Psychic P.I. must enter his own mind to regain control of his body, before a vindictive former client who?s infecting his consciousness finds and kills his sister.
The basic premise isn't clear for the first time reader - I haven't read any other versions of this concept. Here is what I got just now: The MC is a psychic P.I - I'm not sure what a psychic P.I actually means. Does he use his powers to investigate cases? Does he only investigate cases related to pRead more
The basic premise isn’t clear for the first time reader – I haven’t read any other versions of this concept.
Here is what I got just now:
The MC is a psychic P.I – I’m not sure what a psychic P.I actually means. Does he use his powers to investigate cases? Does he only investigate cases related to people with psychic powers?
He needs to enter his own mind… Now this statement really threw me, the assumption is that a person is already in his own mind, how then does one enter that which he is already inside?
Perhaps, if the inciting incident was that another psychic took over his mind, he would now have to fight for control over it, but that wasn’t in the logline.
How can someone else infect a person’s consciousness? They could infect their mind or body, but consciousness is a state of being, it doesn’t make much sens that it can be infected. Also, infected how? How does this infection manifest itself? This may seem nit picky, but if you’re dealing with psychic powers, mind control and consciousness, you really need to get the terminology correct and logical so it makes sense across the board.
The sister is only mentioned last, how does she play into this? It feels like she was tacked on at the end to add a personal stake more than having been an integral part of the story.
See lessWhen an angel is brutalized by two racist police officers, he finds himself in a face to face confrontation with his estranged daughter that will decide the fate of humanity.
Agreed with Dkpough1. It seems as though you've got a few things you're trying to force into a story, and it seems as though they're not gelling well together. What's the most important aspect of the story as for as you're concerned? Is it saving humanity? Is it telling the story of a brutalized angRead more
Agreed with Dkpough1.
It seems as though you’ve got a few things you’re trying to force into a story, and it seems as though they’re not gelling well together.
What’s the most important aspect of the story as for as you’re concerned? Is it saving humanity? Is it telling the story of a brutalized angel? Is it the father daughter dynamic?
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