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A stubborn, US ex-soldier (28) is resurrected from hell to change humanity for the better, upon sacrificing his soul to hell.
"A stubborn, US ex-soldier (28) is resurrected from hell to change humanity for the better, upon sacrificing his soul to hell." (20 words)Protagonist: "A stubborn, US ex-soldier (28)" ---> No need to include age. Otherwise, this is okay.Antagonist: Implied to be all of humanity. Is there is speciRead more
“A stubborn, US ex-soldier (28) is resurrected from hell to change humanity for the better, upon sacrificing his soul to hell.” (20 words)
Protagonist: “A stubborn, US ex-soldier (28)” —> No need to include age. Otherwise, this is okay.
Antagonist: Implied to be all of humanity. Is there is specific character who serves as the main antagonist?
Goal: “to change humanity for the better” —> This is vague. Loglines should describe a specific objective. Think of the climax of the story. What will be accomplished at that point? The logline’s goal should describe that.
For example, in “Star Wars”, Luke’s goal may be to defeat the Empire, but his specific objective is to destroy the Death Star.
Inciting incident: ” is resurrected from hell” —> This is okay, but the logline should explicitly describe how this forces him to pursue the goal. Is he given a mission, forced to by the Devil.? The inciting incident should describe the event which absolutely forces the protagonist to pursue his objective goal.
For example, in “Star Wars”, Luke is essentially recruited to join the Rebellion by Ben Kenobi, but he is forced to choose to do so when he finds that his family has been killed by Stormtroopers.
It’s at this moment when he says,??I want to come with you to Alderaan.?There is nothing here for me now.?I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like my father.?(emphasis mine) —> Where is that moment in this story? The moment which forces the protagonist to choose, and forces them to choose to engage in the main conflict.?I analyze these elements in “Star Wars” more in this thread:?https://loglines.org/answer/re-when-a-pirate-a-princess-and-an-outlander-discover-that-their-crystal-necklaces-have-magical-powers-the-three-women-go-on-an-adventure-that-leads-to-saving-the-world-from-darkness-3/
An example, using elements from this logline:?After the Devil orders him to assassinate a dictator, a resurrected soldier must use his hellish powers to face the dictator’s army and kill him. (25 words)
This may not be how your story goes at all, but I tried to use all of the elements of a logline to give you a framework to use for a revision.?
I hope this helps.
See lessIn 2161 time travel is common place, but highly regulated, when he?s shot, a cutthroat businessman?s consciousness is sent back in time by his life insurance company to prevent his upcoming murder, without disrupting the timeline too much or his provider cancels his contract.
"In 2161 time travel is common place, but highly regulated, when he?s shot, a cutthroat businessman?s consciousness is sent back in time by his life insurance company to prevent his upcoming murder, without disrupting the timeline too much or his provider cancels his contract." (44 words) This versiRead more
“In 2161 time travel is common place, but highly regulated, when he?s shot, a cutthroat businessman?s consciousness is sent back in time by his life insurance company to prevent his upcoming murder, without disrupting the timeline too much or his provider cancels his contract.” (44 words)
This version includes a bit too much background, making it too long. I suggest taking the previous version, “A cutthroat businessman is sent back in time by his life insurance company to prevent his murder in 7 days.” and adding a few adjectives and the inciting incident which will help.
First, a breakdown:
Inciting incident: “when he?s shot,” —> This is a good inciting incident, it’s simple. But I’m not sure it’s the correct one. If the goal is to to prevent his murder by traveling back in time, then I suggest that his company sending him back in time is the inciting incident.
Protagonist: “a cutthroat businessman?” —> Good.
Goal: ” to prevent his upcoming murder, without disrupting the timeline too much or his provider cancels his contract.” —> Why does his company send him back? What must he accomplish by preventing his murder? I think that would be the more suitable goal. It’s good to include the stakes of what happens if he doesn’t accomplish his goal, but what is really the point of sending him back?
For example:?After his struggling company sends his consciousness back in time, a cutthroat businessman must kill their top competitor to prevent her from securing a multi-billion dollar contract or else be executed. (31 words)
When you mentioned sending his consciousness back in time, it reminds me of “X-Men: Days of Future Past”(2014).
See lessIn a future where the average citizen is controlled by a master super-computer: when he accidentally steps into a time warp to 2019, a cyborg discovers murderous urges he never knew he had and goes on a killing spree.
This is all backwards. You're giving us information on the setting which is unnecessary, then telling us when something happens without telling us whom it happens to. Protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes. And I don't see a protagonist here, unless you think people will identify & empathizeRead more
This is all backwards. You’re giving us information on the setting which is unnecessary, then telling us when something happens without telling us whom it happens to. Protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes. And I don’t see a protagonist here, unless you think people will identify & empathize with a cyborg on a killing spree…you need a Kyle Reese, a.k.a. the actual human being trying to stop the murderous robot.
What we’re left with here doesn’t even make any sense: is a cyborg an average citizen? If he’s controlled by a super-computer, why is he on a killing spree? Because he time-warped so he’s on his own? It just isn’t clear, and if your logline doesn’t make the story clear it isn’t doing its job. We shouldn’t be asking questions merely to comprehend the story, we should be wanting to read more.
A nerdy programmer must stop a murderous cyborg from the future now disconnected from the super computer which controls it.
There are your four major elements, defined and summarized in 20 words, nothing unclear. If I saw that I’d wanna check out a full page summary, even the first ten pages. And that’s all a logline needs to do: generate further interest.
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