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In a future where the average citizen is controlled by a master super-computer: when he accidentally steps into a time warp to 2019, a cyborg discovers murderous urges he never knew he had and goes on a killing spree.
This is all backwards. You're giving us information on the setting which is unnecessary, then telling us when something happens without telling us whom it happens to. Protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes. And I don't see a protagonist here, unless you think people will identify & empathizeRead more
This is all backwards. You’re giving us information on the setting which is unnecessary, then telling us when something happens without telling us whom it happens to. Protagonist, antagonist, conflict, stakes. And I don’t see a protagonist here, unless you think people will identify & empathize with a cyborg on a killing spree…you need a Kyle Reese, a.k.a. the actual human being trying to stop the murderous robot.
What we’re left with here doesn’t even make any sense: is a cyborg an average citizen? If he’s controlled by a super-computer, why is he on a killing spree? Because he time-warped so he’s on his own? It just isn’t clear, and if your logline doesn’t make the story clear it isn’t doing its job. We shouldn’t be asking questions merely to comprehend the story, we should be wanting to read more.
A nerdy programmer must stop a murderous cyborg from the future now disconnected from the super computer which controls it.
There are your four major elements, defined and summarized in 20 words, nothing unclear. If I saw that I’d wanna check out a full page summary, even the first ten pages. And that’s all a logline needs to do: generate further interest.
See lessA mysterious briefcase goes from hand to hand. Although everyone claims to be the owner, no one can open it. Until the day a commissioner forces the lock and discovers what’s inside …
No clear protagonist, no antagonist, no conflict, no stakes...just a mystery. A mystery is not a story, and a briefcase with unknown contents is a clich?. We need a character to support with a proper motivation, and a reason to follow the story. A retiring police commissioner must find the rightfulRead more
No clear protagonist, no antagonist, no conflict, no stakes…just a mystery. A mystery is not a story, and a briefcase with unknown contents is a clich?. We need a character to support with a proper motivation, and a reason to follow the story.
A retiring police commissioner must find the rightful owner of a mysterious package which everyone he meets is willing to kill to possess.
Kinda sloppy but the ideas are there; work with it and find the elements that make it compelling.
See lessIn Carella City, ageing can be postponed but not vanquished, until an exiled murderer helps a 157 year old woman evade her creator.
It sounds like you've focused more on developing the special scifi elements than the hero himself. What is the meaning of your story? What's the take away message that's revealed in your hero's actions?
It sounds like you’ve focused more on developing the special scifi elements than the hero himself.
See lessWhat is the meaning of your story? What’s the take away message that’s revealed in your hero’s actions?