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Once infected by a neurovirus that has an AI interface, it promises to help the host survive if the host helps with the mission of it’s own: to kill the other AI Neuroviruses that threaten it’s very existence.
Your syntax needs a lot of cleaning. I guess your main character is the host, but you present the host in a very secondary fashion.The main event is obviously the virus infection, plus an AI interface that goes with it.The action is also missing. I guess the goal is getting rid of the virus,but we nRead more
Your syntax needs a lot of cleaning. I guess your main character is the host, but you present the host in a very secondary fashion.
The main event is obviously the virus infection, plus an AI interface that goes with it.
The action is also missing. I guess the goal is getting rid of the virus,but we need to get a hint of the action that would lead to achieving this goal.
Or something like that.
See lessWhen a despot king discovers ancient technology that could help him destroy his enemies he is outsmarted by an old digital human that invades his mind with a plan to conquer the real world.
Agree with Richiev and dpg. A logline should ideally be under 35 words or so. You've used 31 just on the inciting incident. It's never easy, particularly with some of the world building you are trying to do but, in my opinion, the following things are unnecessary - "Golden Kingdom", the fact it's aRead more
Agree with Richiev and dpg.
A logline should ideally be under 35 words or so. You’ve used 31 just on the inciting incident. It’s never easy, particularly with some of the world building you are trying to do but, in my opinion, the following things are unnecessary – “Golden Kingdom”, the fact it’s a “metal” cave, actually… the cave itself is irrelevant too, the technology comes from the “Old Ones”, that they’re fighting a “sacred war”. ?This could reduce the inciting incident down to “When he discovers ancient technology that could destroy his enemies”… you can then leave the character description for the next bit… “a (insert characteristic) Emperor…”.
While we’re on the inciting incident, this should be an event that upsets the balance in the protagonist’s life thus creating his goal to correct it. The inciting incident here is about this ancient technology and the goal… well there’s not really a goal at the moment but it’s either something to do with destroying his enemies or to do with this digital human. I imagine it’s more likely something to do with the latter and, if that’s the case, the inciting incident should line up with this and be about the digital human invading his mind.
He shouldn’t be sending a search party, he should be going himself. Otherwise the action for the audience is simply him waiting for them to return… that’s not visually interesting. Send him out – a protagonist should be proactive.
Basically, strip this back and work out what is essential information that the reader needs to know to understand your story. Find an inciting incident and a goal that are on opposite sides of the same scales and tie it all together.
See lessSet in the year 2050: When he wakes up out of his coffin to discover that Transylvania has become an Orwellian fascist state, Count Dracula must lead a rebellion and take them down before they uncover his true identity.
As noted by Mandavirmais, the premise raises numerous backstory questions that have to be answered before the plot can move forward.? Before the plot even makes sense.
As noted by Mandavirmais, the premise raises numerous backstory questions that have to be answered before the plot can move forward.? Before the plot even makes sense.
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