1. Posted: October 15, 2018In:

    When he is framed for the murder of his boss, a genetically engineered assassin must protect the boss’s daughter from his enemies to clear his name after he is hunted by three major Syndicates.

    CraigDGriffiths Uberwriter

    Remove ?makes it personal? and describe the story, rather set out to clear his name. Captures and tortures likely suspects to... Decides to kill his bosses enemies to ....

    Remove ?makes it personal? and describe the story, rather set out to clear his name.

    Captures and tortures likely suspects to…
    Decides to kill his bosses enemies to ….

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  2. Posted: October 15, 2018In:

    With the impending Ragnarok coming, a young cursed prince receives searing visions to save his aging star empire by pushing two police agents to investigate a sinister conspiracy undermining a planet’s sovereignty, only to realize they cannot escape the Ragnarok.

    dpg Singularity

    I'm not sure how many readers will know what a "Ragnarok" is.? I had? to google the term.? Which I should not have had to do.? ?A logline reader should never have to go online and google to find out what any word means.?But sc-fi isn't my metier.? And since this the kind of story that would appeal tRead more

    I’m not sure how many readers will know what a “Ragnarok” is.? I had? to google the term.? Which I should not have had to do.? ?A logline reader should never have to go online and google to find out what any word means.?

    But sc-fi isn’t my metier.? And since this the kind of story that would appeal to primarily movie makers who would know the genre, they may be familiar with the term.

    My takeaway is you can’t assume that a logline reader will take the micro -time to google an unfamiliar term.? Because odds are they won’t.? If they can’t immediately grasp what the story is about, they will just move onto the next logline, to one they can immediately understand.

    Just saying.

    Be that as it may “only to realize they cannot escape the Ragnarok” seems to be a spoiler, seems to give away how the story ends. And a logline should never give away the ending.

    If “only to realize they cannot escape” is part of the inciting incident or the critical midpoint epiphany then the question is: what must they do in light of that knowledge?? What becomes the objective goal?

    And who owns the objective goal?? Who is the protagonist in the story, anyway?? The “cursed prince” or the two agents?

    ?

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  3. Posted: October 15, 2018In:

    Orbiting a dead world rich with ancient history to find her people, a newly minted female admiral must convince a difficult security agent of her loyalties after being discovered she descends from his people’s eternal enemy, a nearly extinct race of superhuman slavers.

    dpg Singularity

    Taking the logline at face value, what it promises is that the audience will be treated to the entire 2nd Act (at least ) -- an hour or more of screen time -- devoted to nothing else but her trying to convince the agent of her loyalties. In the 3rd Act, she will either succeed or fail to convince hiRead more

    Taking the logline at face value, what it promises is that the audience will be treated to the entire 2nd Act (at least ) — an hour or more of screen time — devoted to nothing else but her trying to convince the agent of her loyalties.

    In the 3rd Act, she will either succeed or fail to convince him.

    End of story.

    FADE TO CREDIT SCROLL

    I’m guessing you intend to tell a bigger story.? Something to do with finding her people,? But I can’t read your mind.? I can only read what the logline says.? ? And again, taking your logline at face value, the whole film is about her trying to persuade the agent that she’s not disloyal.? Period.? Full stop.

    The security agent seems to be a complication, a problem to be solved en route to accomplishing her primary objective goal.? Which is?? What is the story really about?? What’s at stake?? Why must she find her people — or else?? What is lost if she doesn’t find her people?? What’s gained if she does?

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