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Five disease research scientists are trapped in their underground laboratory by the containment system after an experimental airborne drug leaks out, only to discover it may have deadly side-effects.
The redraft is better but still too wordy. How about: After a contamination lockdown traps a team of lab workers, a selfish scientist must lead them all to safety before they all succumb to the psychotic side effects of the virus.
The redraft is better but still too wordy.
How about:
After a contamination lockdown traps a team of lab workers, a selfish scientist must lead them all to safety before they all succumb to the psychotic side effects of the virus.
See lessAfter his partner?s murder, a suspended detective investigates an unsolved murder believing it?s connected, stumbles onto additional murders, speculates it?s an inside job carried by dirty cops who are now hunting him.
It's not immidiatly clear what the MC's goal is. It could be to find his partner's murder and bring him or her in, but it could also be to catch the dirty cops or solve the other unsolved murders. Best to focus the logline on one primary goal, so which is it that drives your Mc the most? Seeing as tRead more
It’s not immidiatly clear what the MC’s goal is. It could be to find his partner’s murder and bring him or her in, but it could also be to catch the dirty cops or solve the other unsolved murders. Best to focus the logline on one primary goal, so which is it that drives your Mc the most?
Seeing as the inciting incident is the partner’s murder, I would wager it’s catching the partner’s killer and the rest are complications that occur in the story proper.
See lessTherefore:
After his partner is murdered, a rebelious detective must fight police corruption to catch the killer before he becomes the next target.
When a mysterious stranger thwarts a sophisticated attempt on her life, an isolated mathematical genius must leave behind everything she knows to flee cross-country with her new-found protector in search of clues to the motives and identities of her would-be assassins.
It's not so much the motivations of the 'would be assassin' or the identity that should be her goal, rather her end game is to catch the person so they don't try it again. This should be specifically described in the logline as her goal.On a separate note, a little pet peeve of mine (other's opinionRead more
It’s not so much the motivations of the ‘would be assassin’ or the identity that should be her goal, rather her end game is to catch the person so they don’t try it again. This should be specifically described in the logline as her goal.
On a separate note, a little pet peeve of mine (other’s opinions may vary) is the use of too many adjectives in a logline.
The goal of a logline is to present story elements that on their own mean little but when combined together mean a lot. A naive farm boy who wants to defeat a galactic empire works so well because the odds are stacked so heavily against the MC. There was no need to describe the MC as helpless, poor, or under-resourced and the empire as known for its merciless nature:
After the evil galactic empire kills his family, a naive farm boy must learn to become a Jedi night in order to defeat their army and free the galaxy.
Now with too many adjectives:
After the notorious evil galactic empire kills his loving adopted parents, a poor and naive farm boy must become one of the mysterious Jedi nights in order to defeat their army and free the enslaved galaxy.
You’ll do far better expressing a lot of story information with fewer adjectives than with more.
Here is your logline stripped of redundant adjectives and descriptions:
See lessAfter an attempt on her life, a misanthrope mathematician must team up with her savior to catch the would-be assassin.