1. Posted: October 27, 2016In:

    When a researcher creates a technology that can see anything from the last twenty four hours, a former FBI profiler must find him before the private assassins of a corrupt politician he exposed.

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    dpg Singularity

    JasonF:You are correct that usually a logline should not contain spoilers.However, after reading your comments, it still seems to me that the scientist has more skin in the game. ?The profiler only has his reputation at stake. ?The scientist has his life. ?For the purpose of dramatic suspense in a tRead more

    JasonF:

    You are correct that usually a logline should not contain spoilers.

    However, after reading your comments, it still seems to me that the scientist has more skin in the game. ?The profiler only has his reputation at stake. ?The scientist has his life. ?For the purpose of dramatic suspense in a thriller movie, life always trumps reputation.

    And he still seems to be the more interesting character with the greater character arc. ?Describing him as “naive” means he has a lot of growing up to do in coming to terms with the consequences of his invention — and his own talent. ?In comparison, what’s the character arc of the FBI profiler other than getting to vindicate himself, prove to everyone else he was right all along.

    ?(Vindication is a worthy dramatic motivation, of course — but in this story, ?I get a sense of a stronger emotional catharsis and cognitive closure in the arc of the scientist. ?The story motif of the “Sorcerer’s Apprentice” comes to mind.)

    And the hook of your story is the technology — not the profiling. The ability to have an omniscient view of recent events?completely overwhelms the importance of the role of the FBI character. ?Which is not to say the FBI character cannot be a key player , but the technology is the sizzle, the strongest selling point of the concept. It’s the McGuffin, the thing everyone in the story wants.

    (Minor quibble: he’s lecturing FBI trainees not “students”. And if he’s lecturing, he’s still actively employed by the FBI. He’s just been pulled from field work. )

    fwiw

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  2. Posted: October 25, 2016In:

    When demons plan to steal the devils throne, a greedy rich lawyer dealing for his soul is the only one able to do something about it.

    dpg Singularity

    The allusion to Dr. Faustus was obvious. ?And you are correct to assert that a protagonist doesn't always have to be initially sympathetic, that he can be an anti-hero as long as he is interesting, compelling, competent. ?So that the audience can have the perverse, ?but very real -- and bankable --Read more

    The allusion to Dr. Faustus was obvious. ?And you are correct to assert that a protagonist doesn’t always have to be initially sympathetic, that he can be an anti-hero as long as he is interesting, compelling, competent. ?So that the audience can have the perverse, ?but very real — and bankable — voyeuristic ?pleasure of watching someone being very good at being very bad. ? Like Frank Underwood.

    (Or if a comedy, the voyeuristic/sadistic pleasure of laughing at the folly that flows from his flaws.)

    Anyway, now it’s clearer what constitutes the the hook of the story: a cabal of demons usurp the Devil to jump start the apocalypse. ?That’s not a bad hook. ?

    However, of all the 7 billion people plus on the planet ?in danger of dying, what makes the lawyer the only one qualified to stop it?

    He’s rich and greedy — attributes that reflect his back story, that got him to where he is when this story opens, right? But what purpose will rich and greedy serve in driving the plot of your story? ?Frank Underwood’s character flaw, his ruthless ambition, is what drives the series, what is played out in the?present?tense of every episode. How is being rich and greedy going to drive the plot of this story?

    What voyeuristic pleasure does this logline promise the reader of the script, the viewer of the film?

    (And have you thought about writing this as a comedy? What’s the theme you wish to work out by playing the action out as a thriller?)

    fwiw

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  3. Posted: October 26, 2016In:

    When the world?s deepest secrets start to become public knowledge, a disenfranchised former FBI profiler is thrust into an escalating situation where those with the most to lose will do anything to keep their secrets and humanity must face the ultimate test.

    giannisggeorgiou Samurai

    I think the main problem is that you don't share much of what is going on, replacing actual events with vague expressions: what are the "world's deepest secrets?" Any particular conspiracy? Many of them? Why not pick one and state it? Also, an "escalating situation" is totally redundant; in every moRead more

    I think the main problem is that you don’t share much of what is going on, replacing actual events with vague expressions:

    • what are the “world’s deepest secrets?” Any particular conspiracy? Many of them? Why not pick one and state it?
    • Also, an “escalating situation” is totally redundant; in every movie we watch we expect some situation to escalate as the story progresses. Plus, it replaces the actual plot: what and where?is he thrust into? What is the story?
    • “Those with the most to lose;” same thing: who are these people? Why not be more specific?
    • “Keep their secrets;” same thing; same secretes with the “world’s deepest secrets?” You don’t have to keep so many secretes when writing the logline or we get nothing by reading it.
    • “Humanity must face the ultimate test;” same thing: what is going to happen? WWIII? Aliens? Zombie Apocalypse?

    If you don’t make it more specific, its title can?be “Every Political Conspiracy Thriller after DaVinci Code.”

    And one note on style: “disenfranchised” is redundant, since you state “former,” right?

    Cheers.

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