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  1. Posted: July 6, 2016In: Thriller

    Using stolen prediction software a cocksure hacker makes a fortune in sports bets, but when it predicts his death within three days, he must find out how he dies without dying in the process.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on July 8, 2016 at 5:47 pm

    The description of him needing to find the killer?as his goal definitely helps. However the kill or be killed paradigm is, by no stretch of the marination, original in story telling in general and films in particular. I wonder can you give him a peculiar job, personality quirk?or condition?of existeRead more

    The description of him needing to find the killer?as his goal definitely helps. However the kill or be killed paradigm is, by no stretch of the marination, original in story telling in general and films in particular. I wonder can you give him a peculiar job, personality quirk?or condition?of existence that would make the fight more interesting and his action clear?

    Here is an example of what I mean:

    In the film In Time the MC knows, beyond a doubt, how long he has to live. This is a condition of his existence, a “world rule” if you will, we know this as we experience with him his mother’s death due to the same rule?of that world’s reality.
    But! It’s not just the limited time span due to the “world rule” that the story focuses on, rather the class separation in society that?determines who gets access to more time and who dies. Therefore the MC had to infiltrate a high society of rich people to steal?more life time, he was a (spoiler alert) Robin Hood of sorts – his main action is clear.

    In your story you have the setup for the problem, but little explanation of how the problem will be solved. The main character needing to find and kill another person to save his own skin doesn’t sound interesting enough in 2016 as a premise, it needs an additional layer and an original action.

    Also the concept runs the risk of making him unlikable, sure he wants to survive, but is the program 100% guaranteed to have an accurate prediction?

    In the military it was drilled into us that we must take all necessary action to stop a genuine and immediate threat to human life, whether in the field or in civilian life. Our commanders would go on to emphasise first that the threat must be genuine, and only then explain what necessary action means.
    Point is, your MC has a mostly accurate program telling him how he will die, but it isn’t a “world rule” for him that the prediction is indeed genuinely 100% true. Perhaps best if he investigates his future murder, and only after finding evidence that it is going to happen does he take action.

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  2. Posted: July 6, 2016In: Thriller

    A bipolar divorcee blackmails a self-absorbed family man to keep their affair alive and reignite her sex drive when he suddenly disowns her.

    Marcello Lanfranchi Logliner
    Added an answer on July 8, 2016 at 3:57 am

    Just one suggestion: "after he disowns her," not "when."

    Just one suggestion: “after he disowns her,” not “when.”

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  3. Posted: July 5, 2016In: Thriller

    A con-artist uses a spy?s stolen dummy credit card to repay a debt, but, when it disables every online banking system in the world, together they must trace the virus to its source before it disappears.

    Best Answer
    Knightrider Mentor
    Added an answer on July 6, 2016 at 2:59 pm

    I like the start, but in a strange way I then think the premise gets sidetracked. It almost feels like two different stories. It feels like it should either become a mistaken identity story, whereby as he used the card those after the real spy, but have no idea what he looks like, come for this guyRead more

    I like the start, but in a strange way I then think the premise gets sidetracked. It almost feels like two different stories. It feels like it should either become a mistaken identity story, whereby as he used the card those after the real spy, but have no idea what he looks like, come for this guy or he starts using it to live the spy lifestyle, only to be caught up in a real plot.

    The premise could work, as I assume the dummy card is actually a government device to be used on the real spy’s mission, which is meant to be abroad so when he uses it, will bring down the system. Now the spy not wanting to admit his mistake teams up with the person who stole it to disable the virus before it reaches it’s activation point (Which could be a spread level) I guess, for me, your current one feels disjointed however I think with some focus on why these characters would work together then it’ll work for the bigger picture.

    Hope that makes sense

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