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  1. Posted: May 30, 2016In: Thriller

    A damaged young man finally finds love only to be betrayed by his best friend which pushes him over the edge. He must regain his sanity or continue hurting others.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on May 31, 2016 at 3:25 pm

    Agreed with the above comments. Another problem is that the description of "...continue hurting others?" makes for an unlikable character. He hurts people and will keep on doing so unless he gets his way - why would the audience develop empathy towards him?

    Agreed with the above comments.

    Another problem is that the description of “…continue hurting others?” makes for an unlikable character. He hurts people and will keep on doing so unless he gets his way – why would the audience develop empathy towards him?

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  2. Posted: May 27, 2016In: Thriller

    When a veteran detective takes his son out for a cruise, an old acquaintance looking for revenge shows up. The little detective outsmarts the acquaintance of this dad that happens to be the killer of his mother that his father was never able to catch.

    dpg Singularity
    Added an answer on May 31, 2016 at 8:27 am

    >>that happens to be the killer of his mother How does the kid know that? ?Or come to suspect that his dad's friend is his mother's killer. ?(But he can't initially prove it and nobody will believe him.) That should be the inciting incident.

    >>that happens to be the killer of his mother

    How does the kid know that? ?Or come to suspect that his dad’s friend is his mother’s killer. ?(But he can’t initially prove it and nobody will believe him.)
    That should be the inciting incident.

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  3. Posted: May 25, 2016In: Thriller

    When a young man converts to Islam for the love of a girl, he finds his life thrown into chaos when the mentor he befriended ends up being a terrorist, intent on bombing a train -with him omboard.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on May 30, 2016 at 4:31 pm

    Inciting incident, clear motivation and goal these are your primary concerns in plot construction and subsequently a logline.The latest draft of the logline seems to brush over what reads like an inciting incident - finds himself on a train with a bomb, and a goal to disarm the bomb. Why then is halRead more

    Inciting incident, clear motivation and goal these are your primary concerns in plot construction and subsequently a logline.

    The latest draft of the logline seems to brush over what reads like an inciting incident – finds himself on a train with a bomb, and a goal to disarm the bomb. Why then is half the logline spent describing the back story; girlfriend, fianc?, conversion to Islam etc??

    Just focus on the plot, if you can’t get the plot to come across clearly in a logline after many many tries then it is a clear indication of a problem in the concept.

    On another note if the MC is?able to through himself on top of the bomb and prevent wide spread damage, the bomb couldn’t have been powerful enough to truly endanger the other passengers. A bomb powerful enough to destroy a train will easily tear through a human body.

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