1. Posted: March 12, 2016In:

    A meek pharmacist falsely accused of an accidental death has to search for clues to the whereabouts of his kidnapped daughter in the tattoos of customers of a tattoo artist, who abducted her as revenge, before time runs out.

    FFF Mentor

    Hello, I think there s a story here! A good one! I ?understand dgp's point about the need of 1 goal, but in my opinion the problem is just in the writing form, not in the structure of the story. In other words, I don t think this logline is well written but you have all the elements so it s just a mRead more

    Hello, I think there s a story here! A good one! I ?understand dgp’s point about the need of 1 goal, but in my opinion the problem is just in the writing form, not in the structure of the story. In other words, I don t think this logline is well written but you have all the elements so it s just a matter of working with the words to make clear that the main goal is to find the daughter using the tattoos and at the same time he needs to escape from the police. And i feel like in the end, he s really responsible for the death of his patient, maybe someone related with the tattooo artist? I would peek an anesthetic doctor rather than a pharmacist, with drug problems too. And he can use his drug skills to get informations for his quest. Anyway, i think you should polish your logline. I m positive about the fact that the kidnapping and the accidental dezth must be subtely linked to have a killer logline.
    One ladt thing, you have no idea about how many daughters have been kidnapped on this website, and how many falsely accused men, so be sure to use this cliches in a clever way. I think that theese elements can work in yor story but be carefull.

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  2. Posted: March 12, 2016In:

    A small town detective is forced into an inconceivable mystery when a severed hand, genetically identical to his, appears next to the headless body of a boy. When the case leads back to his own missing son, he?s introduced to a world of parallel universes in which he may be able to save his family and the world.

    Sumi Logliner

    Just a possible version to consider (although I'm not sure it is what you intended) - When a small town detective is faced with a gory trail of evidence that implicates himself in the fate of his own missing son, he discovers a series of parallel universes which he must navigate in order to save hisRead more

    Just a possible version to consider (although I’m not sure it is what you intended) –
    When a small town detective is faced with a gory trail of evidence that implicates himself in the fate of his own missing son, he discovers a series of parallel universes which he must navigate in order to save his family and the world.

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  3. Posted: March 12, 2016In:

    A local birdman legend proves true when an uprooted and miserable preteen, in order to protect his new home and family from treasure hunters in search of a hidden fortune, seeks help from a disagreeable and secretive derelict inhabiting an ancient oak tree and finds he?s rewarded with a new optimism for life.

    dpg Singularity

    As FFF said. And?statements like?"he?s rewarded with a new optimism for life"? are superfluous -- and vague and relate to?a subjective need rather than an objective want or goal.? (And, anyway,? most stories have a happy ending.) Also as structured the logline presents the protagonist as passive, thRead more

    As FFF said.

    And?statements like?”he?s rewarded with a new optimism for life”? are superfluous — and vague and relate to?a subjective need rather than an objective want or goal.? (And, anyway,? most stories have a happy ending.)

    Also as structured the logline presents the protagonist as passive, the receiver of the solution to his problem —?”he’s rewarded”.? A protagonist needs to be proactive, the agent of his own fate.?( In this scenario, the derelict would play the role of helpful mentor.)

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