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  1. Posted: January 8, 2016In: Thriller

    REVISED VERSION: While investigating a mysterious murder, a hard-boiled investigative journalist risks his life to stop a corrupt government launching a genetically engineered weapon against an unsuspecting population.

    Neer Shelter Singularity
    Added an answer on January 10, 2016 at 1:22 pm

    Good point raised by DPG. I think the inciting incident could be used to clarify the nature of the weapon yet to be unleashed and who it will be used against. Currently the inciting incident doesn't relate to the goal, how does investigating a mysterious murder make a journalist need to stop a goverRead more

    Good point raised by DPG.

    I think the inciting incident could be used to clarify the nature of the weapon yet to be unleashed and who it will be used against. Currently the inciting incident doesn’t relate to the goal, how does investigating a mysterious murder make a journalist need to stop a government from using a weapon of mass destruction? It doesn’t, I suggest re thinking the event that started off the story and made the main character need to pursue the goal.

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  2. Posted: January 7, 2016In: Thriller

    When Mike Hunt, a troubled, hard-boiled investigative journalist, is approached by the daughter of Australia?s richest mining magnate to investigate the mysterious death of her husband, he is catapulted into the Australian outback where he must overcome his own demons and unravel a string of greed, corruption and betrayal in order to stop a genetically modified biological weapon that threatens the lives of millions of innocent people.

    dpg Singularity
    Added an answer on January 8, 2016 at 8:52 am

    What is the hook?? What is the feature that?distinguishes this story, grabs attention? That it's about a hard-boiled journalist?? Who?is?fighting [unspecified} demons?? And a?conspiracy of greed, corruption, and betrayal? Well, for me the hook is "genetically modified biological weapon".?? That seemRead more

    What is the hook?? What is the feature that?distinguishes this story, grabs attention?

    That it’s about a hard-boiled journalist?? Who?is?fighting [unspecified} demons?? And a?conspiracy of greed, corruption, and betrayal?

    Well, for me the hook is “genetically modified biological weapon”.?? That seems to be ?the?dramatic problem that drives the plot.??Alas, I have to slog through 54 words before finding it.

    If I am correct in assuming that “genetically modified biological weapon” is the hook, is the dramatic problem driving the plot, then?central dramatic problem needs to be established asap — in far, far fewer than 54 words, ideally within 25 words.

    Certain word baggage can be excised?summarily — there’s no need for it in a logline.? Like the name of the main character.? And “approached?by the daughter of Australia?s richest mining magnate to investigate the mysterious death of her husband” can be (greatly) boiled down, if not eliminated.? For the purposes of a logline, where less is more, all a reader needs to know is that “while investigating a mysterious murder, an investigative journalist discovers…”

    And the main character’s “personal demons” (aka: character flaw) is too vague.? What is the exact nature of the “demons”.? Is he an alcoholic?? Bi-polar?? Suicidal? Be specific.? Whatever it is, ideally the character flaw should directly relate to the dramatic problem because that’s the function of the dramatic problem, to attack the main character at his weakest point, force him to confront and overcome it if he’s going to prevail.

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  3. Posted: January 2, 2016In: Thriller

    Two serial killers struggle to curb their appetites for carnage while avoiding each other?s path and dodging the law.

    dpg Singularity
    Added an answer on January 4, 2016 at 12:13 am

    Now I am? confused.? Is the good gal detective? the protagonist?? Is so, then the logline? needs to be written from her frame of reference ? not that of the serial killers. A logline should always be written with the protagonist, the main character, ?as its subject.? Why?? Because that's how agentsRead more

    Now I am? confused.? Is the good gal detective? the protagonist?? Is so, then the logline? needs to be written from her frame of reference ? not that of the serial killers.

    A logline should always be written with the protagonist, the main character, ?as its subject.? Why?? Because that’s how agents look for scripts for their clients.? Suppose?the agent for at bankable,?middle aged, A list female actor is looking for her client’s next film.? Reading this? version of the logline? would give her no clue that this story has a big?role for a female, ?that it just might be?right for her client.? So she passes, doesn’t even give the script a read.? And so will every agent for every other middle-aged female actor.

    Loglines are about selling the steak by selling the sizzle?? So?what’s the? sizzle of this story? Two serial murderers on the lam trying not run into each other ?or an alcoholic female detective trying to catch them?

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