1. Posted: December 27, 2024In:

    When he escapes from a woman who wants to keep him, a runaway boy must decide what to do with his abusive father when he discovers that he survived the first attempt to kill him.

    philasify Logliner

    Sounds intriguing but I think the logline could use some work so it matches your additional story premise shared. Maybe something like "After running away from home following shooting his abusive father to save his mother, a preteen boy escapes domestic captivity and returns home to discover his fatRead more

    Sounds intriguing but I think the logline could use some work so it matches your additional story premise shared.

    Maybe something like “After running away from home following shooting his abusive father to save his mother, a preteen boy escapes domestic captivity and returns home to discover his father is still alive and his mother is not.”

    I dunno. That’s my stab at it. I feel like the story needs a little more drama element to make it more enticing.

    See less
    • 0
  2. Posted: December 25, 2024In:

    As his daughter’s disappearance casts a haunting shadow over a family gathering, a repugnant father is thrust into a heart-pounding quest for redemption, grappling with suspicion aimed at his new son-in-law and uncovering chilling truths that could shatter their fragile bonds

    LongLine Penpusher

    I see the father as the protagonist on a quest for redemption. He is held back by suspicion of his new son-in-law and chilling truths. "shatter their fragile bonds" is a bit unclear. Do you mean the bond between the father and son-in-law? How is he seeking redemption, and from what? In general thereRead more

    I see the father as the protagonist on a quest for redemption. He is held back by suspicion of his new son-in-law and chilling truths.
    “shatter their fragile bonds” is a bit unclear. Do you mean the bond between the father and son-in-law?
    How is he seeking redemption, and from what?
    In general there’s a lot going on here. I would try to narrow the focus to one central conflict with a clear protagonist and antagonist. It seems that the stakes consist of fragile bonds. But I assume that losing his daughter is forefront in his mind. Does he suspect the son-in-law is involved? If so, I doubt he’d care about being friends with him.
    In what way is the father “repugnant”?
    I’m pretty sure I’m not seeing what you’re really writing about.

    See less
    • 0
  3. Posted: December 10, 2024In:

    A disgraced veteran ex-firefighter attempts to redeem his honor by volunteering to lead a team of greenhorns to combat a forest fire of epic proportions that no amount experience and training could prepare them for the dangers they’re about to face.

    Nick12 Penpusher

    You’re on the right track! A couple of things jumped out at me initially: Since you already have “ex-firefighter” in the logline, you don’t need “veteran” since previous experience is already implied. You could condense what you have into something like “A disgraced ex-firefighter seeks redemption bRead more

    You’re on the right track! A couple of things jumped out at me initially:

    Since you already have “ex-firefighter” in the logline, you don’t need “veteran” since previous experience is already implied.

    You could condense what you have into something like “A disgraced ex-firefighter seeks redemption by leading a team of green horns against a blaze that goes beyond anything they have ever faced.” However, I think I have a better suggestion:

    Instead of trying to condense “to combat a forest fire of epic proportions that no amount of experience and training could prepare them for the dangers that they’re about to face” (which to be honest seems like an overused phrase), instead try to focus in on what makes this forest fire unique or different, and therefore, more dangerous, than the other forest fires out there.

    For instance, you mentioned that he tries to redeem himself as a volunteer firefighter, so maybe explore what happened to the crew of active duty firefighters that led to them calling in volunteers to heighten the danger and make the stakes more specific. Obviously large forest fires will often warrant them calling in volunteers just to help contain it in general. However, maybe there’s a more specific reason that you can give it.

    You mentioned how this is a team of green horns so maybe they don’t yet understand fire safety. Maybe they are just local townsfolk themselves, but when the active duty crew are missing in action, it’s up to them to finish the job.

    I hope that helps! 🙂

    See less
    • 0