Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
A young, hot-headed loner must embark on a dark, twisted odyssey in Miami to rescue his sister from being forced into prostitution by mysterious kidnappers.
I think there's an interesting premise here but I have a couple of comments: "young" - how young? Young could be 6, could be 16, could even be 26. Loglines (most of the time) thrive on specificity. "dark, twisted odyssey" - same comment as above - specifically, what happens? Think visually, what wilRead more
I think there’s an interesting premise here but I have a couple of comments:
“young” – how young? Young could be 6, could be 16, could even be 26. Loglines (most of the time) thrive on specificity.
“dark, twisted odyssey” – same comment as above – specifically, what happens? Think visually, what will we see on screen?
“Miami” – I don’t think we need a location. The plot remains identical if this was replaced with New York, LA, London, Sydney, Tokyo… etc. Only include a location if, without it, the logline makes no sense.
Final point (and this one is a bit more problematic) – His sister has been kidnapped (I think it’s important we know how old she is too but we can probably get something from his age)… how does the protagonist know that she’s being forced into prostitution?? It’s not the sort of thing you’d find out about until she was found.
Instead, consider that his sister has fallen into the wrong crowd her boyfriend/pimp is forcing her into prostitution and never lets her leave. This makes sense and gets around the problematic kidnapping element.
Food for thought. Interested to see where it goes.
Hope it helps.
See lessA writer’s life has turned upside down when he suspects his mentally ill twin brother who kidnapped, sexually abused and murdered his daughter.
So what's he going to do about it? You've given us an inciting incident, but that's all. "life has turned upside down" - This is a pet peeve of mine in a logline. All it means is (when your really think about it) something dramatic changes in the protagonist's life. That's it! And that is kinda oneRead more
So what’s he going to do about it? You’ve given us an inciting incident, but that’s all.
“life has turned upside down” – This is a pet peeve of mine in a logline. All it means is (when your really think about it) something dramatic changes in the protagonist’s life. That’s it! And that is kinda one of the fundamentals of storytelling. Something has happened that is worth writing a story about. In my opinion, it’s pretty much a given.
Your hero is simply a “man”. This guy is supporting the weight of the entire story on his shoulders so perhaps consider fleshing him out a bit more. “Man” could be anything from 18-100+. In story terms, that changes things considerably. If his daughter died 40 years ago, it would be a very different story to if his daughter was found dead 2 days ago. So he’s a man… but who is he really?
“Double Suspicion” – According to your logline, he doesn’t suspect his twin brother, he discovered this to be true. So there’s no suspicion at all.
Since you’ve put in this in Thriller, my guess is that he doesn’t just go to the police. If it was a story about dealing emotionally with the consequences of this event, I imagine it would be in Drama. Since it’s Thriller, my guess is that he’s going after his brother. You need to tell us that! You need to tell us what this “man” is going to do about this. That’s key. Without a goal, you’ve got nothing for the protagonist to do after Act I.
Hope this helps.
See lessA former tour guide suffering from a rare degenerative retinal disease braves a hostile environment to reach the work of art he most venerates before losing his sight forever.
What kind of hostile environment? A meteoroid hurtling through space and a kindergarten class are very different environments but both could be considered hostile. Loglines should be specific, whereas vague phrases don't really tell us what the movie is about. Also, what kind of work of art? Could bRead more
What kind of hostile environment? A meteoroid hurtling through space and a kindergarten class are very different environments but both could be considered hostile. Loglines should be specific, whereas vague phrases don’t really tell us what the movie is about.
Also, what kind of work of art? Could be a beach at sunset or bird shit on a car window; specific details help define the tone and genre.
“…suffering from a rare degenerative retinal disease” is too long and wordy. Yes I did just say twice to be specific and not vague, but this is now too specific as one has to figure out what this means instead of immediately comprehending it, and loglines are about immediacy. This could easily be changed to “losing his sight” or “going blind” and leave the medical report to a longer summary like a full synopsis, or just the script itself. It even says “losing his sight” toward the end of the logline, thus making one of these phrases redundant.
Does it matter that he’s a former tour guide? If so, why? And why is that important detail left vague, again, in this logline? “Former” could mean anything…was it a part time job while in school, did he get promoted, fired, retire? Loglines shouldn’t raise questions, they should intrigue readers to learn more. As for the job itself, why is that important? Was he a guide at a museum and he wants to look at his favorite painting while he can still see? If so, tell us! That’s intriguing, that makes us want to know more about his guy and his struggles.
See less